Friends & Enemies ...

Who do you call friend? How is your friendship defined? Is it based on common values, shared experiences, proximity, or growing pains? How long does it take you to make a friend? I am sometimes humbled by watching small children on a playground. They meet, they speak, and they being playing together immediately assuming there is friendship between them. It takes an abuse of the assumption to change the minds of smaller children. If no such abuse takes place, the friendship is confirmed. The older we become, it seems the longer it takes to move the status of someone we associate with, to the category of friend. We categorize people in many ways such as: acquaintance, fellow employee or co-worker, boss, current client, sales prospect, customer, guest, classmate, church member, family member, friend-of-a-friend, person of interest, date, fiancée ,,, there are many you can name; but few imply friendship. Why?

A true friend puts no demands upon us, so you would think we would aspire to have many of them, not less. You would think we would be working to include almost everyone we encounter in a positive way as part of our friendship lists. Instead, sin or evil has put a crimp in our ability to trust. We tend to be more reserved and cautious when making new friends. We have to assess what the reason for the friendship might be from the other person’s perspective. All of this thinking is practical. It is based on our real world experiences. It is based on the number of times we have been hurt by those we thought to be our friends. And as usual, it is limited thinking that due to Christ and our submission to Him, we are free to move beyond.

How does submitting the will to Christ allow us to make more friends, and take more risks, you ask? First, it teaches us a proper reliance on Christ alone for our emotional needs. It helps to center where we look for reassurance, guidance and even comfort to one who will never let us down. Knowing we can trust Christ 100% of the time, gives us an emotional foundation from which to approach the world and each other. Second, allowing Christ control over our day, our decisions, and our likes and dislikes gives Him the freedom to lead us to who He wants us to encounter. Our interactions with others then become anything but random. If Christ leads us to someone, it may be for us to meet that person’s need, or perhaps for them to meet ours. But we can have confidence that there is a purpose for it. As our faith and trust increases in Christ, our ability to love others deepens and becomes more immediate. We begin leaving the worries with Christ, and start enjoying the freedoms this provides in our day-to-day relationships with those we encounter.

In addition, as our emotional reliance becomes more intimately involved with Christ and as we get to know Him better one-on-one, we begin to have more to offer in a friendship with others. We are less “needy” ourselves, and more suited to “give” in a relationship. This makes us more attractive as a potential friend to those we encounter. As Christ has served us, we are able then to appreciate what He has done for us, and are inspired to share His work for others around us. We are equipped better to offer an encouraging word, take time to notice the achievements or efforts of others, and offer appreciation to those who rarely receive it. In short, our submission to Christ, makes us a better friend to have. It also changes the nature of our enemies.

Know someone who is out to get you? Perhaps a current or former colleague who would spare no expense to see you fail? The friction could have started from jealousy, or perhaps a perceived insult, maybe from real damage inflicted in action – but somewhere, somehow, you developed an enemy. Sometimes those we disagree with politically or religiously we think of as our enemies. But rarely do people who merely disagree with us, take the time and invest the energy required to do us actual harm. A real enemy does not mind investing either in our demise. It is human nature to believe we do not deserve to have an enemy. It is within us to blame the enemy for the source and status of any conflict. We may have made overtures in the past to resolve the conflict peaceably. We may have offered an apology even when we did not believe we were in the wrong. And still our enemy is undeterred. What now?

There is a truism about divorce, in that it takes two to complete one. Even though the fault may seem completely one-sided, and all external appearances may support this view – it is just never that simple. Ignorance, omission, and negligence can play as vital a role in why we develop an enemy as malice, or direct action might. We may have spoken our passionately held opinion in the presence of someone who held equally passionate and opposite views. We may have shared our negative feelings about someone and used improper language, which by the time it returns to the person we were talking about, is made even worse through exaggeration. We are sometimes ignorant of the damage a careless word can cause, and sometimes, in so doing, our enemies feel justified in their feelings towards us. It is nearly impossible to maintain an enemy without active participation on your part.

What does submission to Christ do to change our enemies you ask? It begins by changing us. Through bowing our pride to Christ, we allow Him to lead us to truth. Sometimes the Truth is unpleasant to us as He reveals our part in the creation of our enemies, but it is still His truth. And the revelation may be needed before we understand why our apologies may be needed, and why they should be sincere. When we realize the damage we may have caused our enemy, it melts our own hearts. Sympathy is then possible for someone who as yet may still hate us. Knowing we may have erred, allows us to approach our enemy in humility. We may have to endure insult, anger, and resistance as we approach as this is the conditioned responses one gives to an enemy. But part of our submission to Christ has enabled us to look beyond the pain that drives bad behavior, to the need we all have of love. Through Christ we are able then to obey His council and finally and truly LOVE our enemies.

Love is a hard thing to resist. Trading anger for calm responses, trading wicked lashing out, for considered sympathetic responses – these are hallmarks of a submitted will to our Master. Through His strength our human weakness can go the extra mile, and emulate the behavior of Christ as He used to approach us. For have we not all treated the Savior harshly when engaged in our wickedness? Have we not all barked at Him to get away and leave us in “peace” while we sin? Yet He endures our cruelty and continues to offer us His love. When we yield to Him, we become like Him. We start thinking less about getting even and more about making it right with those we have wronged, including our enemies. We begin to remember that ALL men are our brothers in Christ. We are reminded that our current earthly enemy may well be our closest neighbor on the golden streets without name. And we are humbled and astounded at our ability to entertain negativity. Christ frees us from this. He frees us from the weight of carrying hurt and pain for another. Our burdens are lifted away forever.

Now we are free to work towards the redemption of our enemy. And consistent, constant love is a hard thing to resist. As we reflect His love through us to those who need it, the hearts of our enemies will be touched by His Spirit, and melted by His love reflected through our hands, mouth, and ears. One who may have in the past called himself our greatest foe, can become our closest ally, as Saul was transformed to Paul, by the power of the LOVE of Christ on a country road. Our enemies may resist love for a while, as we did in resisting our Savior, but LOVE remains a hard thing to resist. Over time everyone is instinctively drawn to love. It is in this that our image of God is defined. We are creations of love, and recognize it, and long for it, and deeply need it – every one of us. It is through love, that enemies become friends. It is through love that friends become a precious commodity. For as we alter our thinking, we begin to realize the truth of fulfillment in service. This yields a bright contrasting alternative to the lies we have been told of self-gratification. As a friend who serves, we are fulfilled within us, while becoming something others wish to have around. Love is a hard thing to resist.

Children ...

To experience how it is that God can love you, simply look to how you feel about your own children. Imagine with me for a minute that your two-year-old toddler comes to you, smiling, with arms outstretched desperate to feel the warmth of your embrace. Now imagine with me, that your smiling two-year-old is covered in feces and smells like something south of a chemical factory. Yuk! But this is still your child. He needs to be cleaned, and He may not even know how badly He needs to be cleaned, but you do. You want only to love your child. You want only what is best for your child. You know more than your child knows. You have seen more, fallen more, been dirty yourself more, in short you know if your child will trust you, His life will be better than if he does not. Welcome to the lessons of parenthood.

We parade around content in the accumulated knowledge of human wisdom, and to God, we look like adorable two-year-olds speaking in baby talk, making almost no sense at all. Cute, but wise? We think we know facts, and truth, and philosophy, but we know very little. What is common between us and God is our ability and need to love and be loved. God would have us learn this from the raising of our own children. He would have us see that as precious as they are to us, so are we to Him. He would have us see our foolishness with Him, in their foolishness with us. A parent’s ‘curse’ - may you have children just like you are … was designed to illustrate our relationship with God to us first hand. How often we go blind to the lessons.

Children need much. The younger they are, the more they need. But with that need, the younger they are, the more they are taken care of by the parents, and less by themselves. So it is with us and God. The more we realize our needs, and realize that only God can meet them, the more we trust Him to do so. And the more God takes care of us, the more we can rely on Him to do so, without fear, regret, or remorse. We do not torture our children for their ignorance. We try to educate them. We do not stop loving our children when they misbehave. We try to correct them in love, so as to help them avoid the pain we would have them avoid. Children are an object lesson in salvation itself.

The analogy does break down in one area; we are more like Peter Pan in that compared to God, we never seem to grow up. We are perpetually stuck in the 3 year old phase. We do not like this idea of ourselves. We rebel against the concept that our best knowledge and accumulated truths only amount to the comparative wisdom of a toddler, but there you are. Our problem is that our imaginations make us think we control aspects of our lives, when in fact we control nothing. We think we can earn our living, when in fact we are dependent on God for the job and the income in the first place. We think we can be a better person, when in fact, our ideas of better person continue to allow us to achieve personal gain at the expense of others. Control exists only in our imagination and in the hands of God. We remain in desperate need. We remain toddlers.

It is said to “spare the rod” is to spoil the child. I would add “if you can’t reach it, don’t spank it”. The younger the child is, the more they seem to understand misbehavior has physical consequences. Spanking seems to lose all effect at age 30 (at least all disciplinary effect). But what lesson in discipline would we rather our children learn? Perhaps better to show them that REAL harm does not always come right away from what we do, but the longer it is delayed, the larger the impact it has on our lives and the lives of those we love. I am not convinced that spanking is required to maintain authority with a child. But I am convinced that maintaining authority is important. It is more important the younger they are.

As our children mature we must mature along with them. We must learn to allow them more and more freedom, freedom to fail as well as succeed. If we shelter them from all failure, we do them a disservice. So it is with our God. It is hard to sit back and let a child experience firsthand, what we know to be inevitable consequences of their decisions. So it is with our God and us. It is particularly difficult to see them experience pain first hand, when we know it could be avoided. But it must be so in order for them to learn. We do our jobs as parents well, if we teach them the values behind the rules. We honor our children if we teach them to think for themselves as God would have us do. We give our children a gift if we teach them to question authority, as God does with us. For our Lord is not afraid of questions. He is able to answer them all. For He is perfect love. Questioning authority only poses a threat to those who do not really have it, or perhaps should not really have it.

We wish our children to be thinkers, and leaders, not followers and sheep. It is good to be a thinker, but only if we realize our relative position to Christ. It is good to be a leader, but only if we humble ourselves before Christ and realize our own unworthiness. We must teach our children the balance between self-examination or humility and using the talents God has richly given us. We are safe to employ His gifts, and His talents, especially when we acknowledge they come from Him. It is vanity to direct attention away from His gifts, and on to self. It is arrogance to assume that our accomplishments belong to us alone. It is pride to believe we rule ourselves and our worlds. And vanity, arrogance, pride, are all internal sins of distraction designed to keep us from submitting our wills to Christ.

In terms of leadership we look first to our fathers. This is natural and there is no harm in it. But leadership carries with it many additional burdens and responsibilities. As fathers we must demonstrate what it means to lead while striving always to please our partners. We must learn how to demonstrate justice tempered by mercy. We must learn to demonstrate forgiveness, not just within our family circle, but outside of it, when things do not go our way. We must consistently demonstrate courtesy to all regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or political views. And we must be the primary example of how to humble ourselves before God and submit our wills to Him. This lesson will have the longest and most lasting impact upon the lives of our children.

When seeking our place in the world, we look first to our mothers for a sense of belonging. This is natural and there is no harm in it. In homes where there is no father to play his own role, mothers must do their best to take on the additional mantle of leadership. But while they try to teach lessons they may not be well suited for, they should not neglect the areas they are strongest suited for. In order for us to be brave enough to go out and face the world, we begin by having confidence that our mom’s will always have a place for us under their wings. We are nurtured, comforted, and find healing in the protection of a mother’s arms. We can bathe in the deep care and concern a mother has for her young. Her daily practical lessons on the care and maintenance of a family unit should not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Adults who enter a home without a blood based relationship with the children now a part of their family unit, should do so with great deference to the existing parent, and their “style” of parenthood. But marriages where both parties submit their wills before Christ, will grow, alter, or morph over time into what He designs. This means as time passes the relationship between the children and their step-parents will grow and deepen. In these cases respect and authority must be earned by a consistent demonstration of love and service. It is not enough to speak the words, it must be demonstrated by the behavior and actions of the new parent. Love seeks out its own. Love responds to love. When love is shown in a home, it will gain respect and authority.

As children become adults their need of parents is greatly reduced, but their need of friendship and counselors on which they can rely for advice will not ever diminish. Parents can best fill a role of consiglieri for their children as they know them better than anyone else is likely to until they find marriage for themselves. We must respect the entrance of our children into the responsibility of adulthood, without abandoning them to their own devices. Though grown our worries for them transition from their physical needs and status, to their spiritual needs and status. We wonder if they walk with the Lord, or are distracted away from Him. We pray to the only God who can save them , to do so with them as He has and is with us. This has always been our greatest prayer, to save us, but to save those we love as well. We can have faith in our God’s ability and desire to grant that prayer.

When our children become parents themselves they will look to their past and imitate what they have experienced firsthand. This will be the test of success for our efforts with them. Grandchildren are yet another blessing as is the ability to have an older generation directly impact the newest one. A new parent can benefit from the experience of a grandparent, and can sometimes simply benefit from any kind of outside help. Grandparents are known for “spoiling” their grandchildren. I wonder if this comes from the wisdom of age that places a higher value on love than we did in our youth. It seems the older we become, the more we realize what is truly important, and what is fleeting. Grandparents recognize the supreme treasure of youth and love in the form of their trusting as yet untainted grandchildren. Soon enough the world will tempt them, exhaust them, and attempt to destroy their spirit. But for a while, a Grandparent can hold them, teach them, tell them stories, and enrich the culture of an entire family in so doing.

For those parents with small children who have no living Grandparents, it is worth adopting another set or two. Find an older couple in your church who may have less contact than they would like with their own families, or a couple confined to a nursing home, and visit them. Let them interact with your children. Involve them in your life and let your lives be enriched in the process. Older members of our families, whether by blood or by choice, add a dimension to our development that cannot be substituted in any other way. They add a richness to our lives. They add depth to our understanding. The wisdom that comes with age is wisdom we all need.

Protecting children is a universal desire. To be effective at it, is to begin with knowing your children, knowing their routines, patterns, interests, and behaviors. Sudden or dramatic changes in patterns you are familiar with generally indicate issues that must be discovered and addressed. An “A” student whose grades suddenly tank may be wrestling with a number of issues. It could be a new girl/boy-friend. It could be something more sinister like chemical stimulants. It could be even worse as they struggle with being victimized by a predatory adult. Not all changes in patterns of behaviors originate for negative reasons, but some do. Thus all must be investigated if protecting them remains the goal. Children rarely bring issues like these to their parent’s attention unprompted. It takes active observation, and a degree of prodding to help them open up to the truth. A sympathetic ear, and non-threatening environment will aid greatly in the process. Because of the level of evil in our world, predators have learned to conceal themselves in our nation, in our churches, and even in our families. Our best defense against predators, or paranoia, is to remain submitted to God, and alert to changes we see in our kids.

Finally, children pose an interesting question to us all – when can a person truly “know” God? What I “know” of Him now is far more than what I “knew” at 20 years of age. But this does not negate my “knowledge” at 20. The same is true even when I was only five years old. It appears that “knowing” God is more of a process than a destination. We will never be done learning about God, learning about how to Love, or appreciating our salvation from evil. Given this, do not belittle or decry, the relationship little children exhibit towards God. If they choose to participate in church traditions, let them. If they wish to be baptized at any age, let them. As Christ said … “suffer the little children to come unto me.” He did not discriminate against them for their “age”. He welcomes them all at any age. And He went further to remind us that we all look like children from His perspective, and we all really need Him. Let us not lose this important lesson as long as we live.

Widows & Orphans ...

The keenest loss in human history is felt when a marital partner of many years succumbs to the death we all dread. We were not designed for such an occurrence. It is the pure cause and effect of sin, a byproduct of evil itself, that death or non-existence must enter our realm. We were created with the idea of living in perfection forever. Our marriages were intended to last forever. Thus a union of three should never be taken lightly. The phrase “until death” is a recognition of our earthly condition, and the weakness of our loneliness upon losing a beloved spouse. It was not ever intended in the schema of heaven or perfection. Adam and Eve our original parents will one day be united in heaven to live for eternity as husband and wife. There is no reason for them to live otherwise.

What is permitted for us due to our weakened condition in sin, and the horrific environment of evil we reside in, is not necessarily what was intended for us in the light of perfection. For instance, evil brings death upon us, and there are those who are truly emotionally unable to continue the remainder of their lives alone. They need, crave, and must have companionship. So the idea of remarriage is permitted to satisfy this basic human need. It is only even considered because of the effects of evil, but because evil is part of our reality, so is death, and therefore remarriage. Evil can cause divorce as well, we will focus on that idea in a later section. For those who require a remarriage after the loss of a spouse there is neither condemnation nor judgment. But there should be a recognition that healing will be required in the world to come. Marriages remain based on the idea of 2 people and Christ uniting as one. Should a husband or wife encounter two or more former partners upon entering heaven, it will take our Lord to alter the feelings of our hearts as He sees fit to enable us to continue to live in harmony there without pain or regret or jealousy.

I believe some couples may be reunited, some redirected, some perhaps allowed to be single, there is no one answer for every person. However, the one consistent item among all those who enter heaven with cloudy prospects or commitments with multiple partners is that a healing solution from Christ will be the only way to sort out what must be sorted. Those who enter single may still find a mate, and will have the added blessing of not having to consider widowhood or divorce. Unions aligned in the perfection of heaven will remain so as it was originally intended, forever and ever, amen.

It is particularly difficult to lose a part of yourself. When facing the loss of a beloved partner, particularly when the wills have been submitted to God, and the marital relationship is richly blessed with His favor, it can be emotionally debilitating. The surviving spouse is deeply weakened by the loss. It is not for doubt of the eternal status of the missing partner. They may have every assurance that our God is faithful to save His children from their well deserved fates. The survivor may KNOW with certainty that upon the morning of resurrection their fallen spouse will rise to greet our savior face to face, and spend eternity in the perfection of heaven. This knowledge is comforting, but may not be enough to heal the keen loss that is felt in the mean time between now and that day. Widows therefore should be considered a “protected class” within the church (our community of believers).

It is our responsibility to lend aid, comfort, and love to those who have lost so precious a resource. It is our honor to help protect them from the wolves-of-the-world who would use their weakened condition to prey upon them. The sudden loss of intimacy can devastate the human soul. Again it is the reason why having Christ in the marriage is so utterly important. Only He will fully understand the loss that has been incurred. Only He has been privy to the private moments and shared experiences of the couple now parted for a while by death. Only He can offer real comfort, but only if we have learned to allow Him access to our marriages while still within them. There is great healing that Christ can offer us, when we know we can trust Him to do so. We can take comfort under His wing. We can rest and let Him do the work of protecting the survivor, and comforting those that remain after the fallen. As brothers and sisters of the widows and orphans we should take extra special care in how we deal with them.

In older less developed days, society was unkind to surviving women after their husbands passed away. Without a male provider, a female may even be left to starve. Property rights were not well developed, nor did they reflect the intentions of fairness God would have required. Selfish men made selfish laws, and as such women suffered greatly. Under this time of great duress the church was given special instructions NOT to ignore the plight of widows or orphans. Second only to the keen loss a spouse feels, is the loss a child feels upon losing a parent. Even fully grown mature adults, mourn the loss of aged parents, it is something none of us truly outgrow, prepared or not. And the closer a parent is to the source of Infinite love, the keener the loss felt by those who remain. As church family, we must remain on guard to go beyond what is expected, beyond the normal, beyond even what we may believe we are capable of, and reach out to these precious hurting souls. While we can never replace the love they have lost, we can do our best to shower our love upon them. At the very least, the hurting can know from our demonstrations, they are truly NOT alone. Christ remains with them. And as His servants, we remain at their side as well.

For those who have suffered this loss and wish to try again with another spouse, it is important to allow enough time to pass by so that not every waking thought is consumed by the lost love. That spouse can never be replaced so the goals in finding another should not be so. As each of us is unique, each relationship will be unique as well. Your loss may one day be erased in the comfort of another person, but cannot be duplicated, nor should that ever be the expectation. The valuation of people, and dating practices we have already described must be re-employed to find another mate to join the precious union of three. Love is resilient in this way. Love is healing in this way. And one day, love will be resolved as only Christ could resolve it. We can have faith and trust in Him in matters that transcend the boundaries of our lifetimes. This is the point of faith itself.

Biggest Bang for the Buck ...

Once the core of your selfishness has been released to Christ to have Him change it, the question becomes what next? Outside of teaching you to serve others rather than to serve yourself which is going to positively impact your life beyond anything you may imagine to date; I believe the next area to focus on is our relationships. The most important relationship to focus on first is our marriages which should also cover the dating process. This would be followed by our parental relationships, then our families, friendships, and work place associations. When you consider that nothing of value in this world will transcend into the next one except your relationships, it seems to make sense we focus a bit here first.

To quote George Lucas … “You must unlearn what you have learned.” [Yoda, Star Wars Episode 5] This has never been more true than in the interactions and social relationships people have with each other. It begins with recognizing the true value of the individual. You are unique. You were created with a specific purpose in mind by a God who praises infinite variety. Your purpose may have many layers – something for this world, for the place in which you work, in your home life, and in the next Kingdom God as designed. But your purpose is unique to you, not just now but for all time. Therefore the loss of you, is a loss to the entire universe, and for all time. It does not mean that God’s plans will not go forward, they will. But your role will never quite be duplicated within them. You remain unique.

When you understand that each soul has a special purpose as ordained by God, then you begin to appreciate just how precious each life is. When looking to first form relationships with others, it is important to begin by understanding that this person you intend to interact with, has an equally important role in God’s work, is equally loved by God, and is equally critical to the family of God as yourself. Just as God compared our body to His church, so people can have radically different perspectives, talents, skills, and abilities – and NONE are any less important than another. Your eye and your ear for example share little, but you could not exist as well without each of them. They are both precious despite their seeming to have nothing in common with each other except improving your own life.

Respecting differences then is the first step towards having successful social interactions. Often men in relationships will dismiss differences with a potential dating partner or spouse as unimportant. But these differences make up the person you are interested in. They are in fact important, because without them, the object of your intentions would not be who you are drawn to. Women conversely dismiss differences as if on a checklist of “things to change” once they settle down with this man. Enlightened women understand there is no Mr. Right, or perhaps Mr. Perfect, but falsely believe he can still be built from Mr. Right Here and Right Now. He cannot. Perfection is not built by the nagging or encouragement of a woman, nor can Perfection be defined by one. Perfection begins once the will is submitted to Christ, and only then does one have anything to offer in a relationship with another.

Having learned to accept the differences we encounter with each other, we must begin to redefine what Love means in a relationship. Valuing another human being means they cannot be treated as mere objects, or possessions. Evil has fostered the idea that another person can be a mere plaything. You can trifle with someone’s emotions in order to get from the relationship whatever it is that you want. This objectification of the human species tears our value down from its core. If allowed to infect our thinking, it keeps us from ever understanding what true intimacy means and has to offer us. It makes us willing tools in the destruction of ourselves and of others. And it makes us wholly unfit to have or maintain any meaningful relationships with nearly anyone. People can simply not be treated like packages on the shelf at Walmart.

To love someone, is to give to someone. It is to act in that person’s interests above your own. It is to find joy in the giving, not in the taking. It is to care about the needs, interests, feelings, and well being of someone else ahead of every other competing desire of your own. When you love someone, you want that person to be happy. You will spend every waking minute trying to figure out new ways of making that person happy. And in so doing, you will find the greatest of contentment you have ever experienced. This is how our God loves us. This is what our God does for us. If our God is love, then this is what the example of our God and of love is to us. Not mere words, not mere feelings, not mere hormonal attractions that can fade with age – but daily meaning actions that demonstrate the desires of the heart.

Some have said that love is pain. This is untrue. It is the lack of love that brings pain. It is the rejection of love that causes heartache and suffering. But the embracing of love as a freewill choice between two people can bring more happiness than ever dreamed possible. Why two people? - Because it is nearly exhausting to respect the differences in another, and to try to find ways of making them happy in an imperfect world. Achieving unity with just one other person can be a life’s work. To add a third party to the unity quest is to make it virtually impossible to find. Our differences are vast, and the effort it takes to respect them, and perhaps even to embrace them, is no small self-sacrifice. But the level of intimacy that can be achieved can be life altering. And though love rejected can feel like a sharp stick through the heart, it can also reveal the true nature of what we call love for another. For if we truly love someone else, we would desire their happiness above our own, even if it means we will not be the one to make them happy. This may be a painful acknowledgement, but it means we know what love is, and someone else will one day be the beneficiary of this knowledge. We can only hope as much for those we wish well as they depart from us.

With these prerequisites in mind we are ready to discuss dating …