Children ...

To experience how it is that God can love you, simply look to how you feel about your own children. Imagine with me for a minute that your two-year-old toddler comes to you, smiling, with arms outstretched desperate to feel the warmth of your embrace. Now imagine with me, that your smiling two-year-old is covered in feces and smells like something south of a chemical factory. Yuk! But this is still your child. He needs to be cleaned, and He may not even know how badly He needs to be cleaned, but you do. You want only to love your child. You want only what is best for your child. You know more than your child knows. You have seen more, fallen more, been dirty yourself more, in short you know if your child will trust you, His life will be better than if he does not. Welcome to the lessons of parenthood.

We parade around content in the accumulated knowledge of human wisdom, and to God, we look like adorable two-year-olds speaking in baby talk, making almost no sense at all. Cute, but wise? We think we know facts, and truth, and philosophy, but we know very little. What is common between us and God is our ability and need to love and be loved. God would have us learn this from the raising of our own children. He would have us see that as precious as they are to us, so are we to Him. He would have us see our foolishness with Him, in their foolishness with us. A parent’s ‘curse’ - may you have children just like you are … was designed to illustrate our relationship with God to us first hand. How often we go blind to the lessons.

Children need much. The younger they are, the more they need. But with that need, the younger they are, the more they are taken care of by the parents, and less by themselves. So it is with us and God. The more we realize our needs, and realize that only God can meet them, the more we trust Him to do so. And the more God takes care of us, the more we can rely on Him to do so, without fear, regret, or remorse. We do not torture our children for their ignorance. We try to educate them. We do not stop loving our children when they misbehave. We try to correct them in love, so as to help them avoid the pain we would have them avoid. Children are an object lesson in salvation itself.

The analogy does break down in one area; we are more like Peter Pan in that compared to God, we never seem to grow up. We are perpetually stuck in the 3 year old phase. We do not like this idea of ourselves. We rebel against the concept that our best knowledge and accumulated truths only amount to the comparative wisdom of a toddler, but there you are. Our problem is that our imaginations make us think we control aspects of our lives, when in fact we control nothing. We think we can earn our living, when in fact we are dependent on God for the job and the income in the first place. We think we can be a better person, when in fact, our ideas of better person continue to allow us to achieve personal gain at the expense of others. Control exists only in our imagination and in the hands of God. We remain in desperate need. We remain toddlers.

It is said to “spare the rod” is to spoil the child. I would add “if you can’t reach it, don’t spank it”. The younger the child is, the more they seem to understand misbehavior has physical consequences. Spanking seems to lose all effect at age 30 (at least all disciplinary effect). But what lesson in discipline would we rather our children learn? Perhaps better to show them that REAL harm does not always come right away from what we do, but the longer it is delayed, the larger the impact it has on our lives and the lives of those we love. I am not convinced that spanking is required to maintain authority with a child. But I am convinced that maintaining authority is important. It is more important the younger they are.

As our children mature we must mature along with them. We must learn to allow them more and more freedom, freedom to fail as well as succeed. If we shelter them from all failure, we do them a disservice. So it is with our God. It is hard to sit back and let a child experience firsthand, what we know to be inevitable consequences of their decisions. So it is with our God and us. It is particularly difficult to see them experience pain first hand, when we know it could be avoided. But it must be so in order for them to learn. We do our jobs as parents well, if we teach them the values behind the rules. We honor our children if we teach them to think for themselves as God would have us do. We give our children a gift if we teach them to question authority, as God does with us. For our Lord is not afraid of questions. He is able to answer them all. For He is perfect love. Questioning authority only poses a threat to those who do not really have it, or perhaps should not really have it.

We wish our children to be thinkers, and leaders, not followers and sheep. It is good to be a thinker, but only if we realize our relative position to Christ. It is good to be a leader, but only if we humble ourselves before Christ and realize our own unworthiness. We must teach our children the balance between self-examination or humility and using the talents God has richly given us. We are safe to employ His gifts, and His talents, especially when we acknowledge they come from Him. It is vanity to direct attention away from His gifts, and on to self. It is arrogance to assume that our accomplishments belong to us alone. It is pride to believe we rule ourselves and our worlds. And vanity, arrogance, pride, are all internal sins of distraction designed to keep us from submitting our wills to Christ.

In terms of leadership we look first to our fathers. This is natural and there is no harm in it. But leadership carries with it many additional burdens and responsibilities. As fathers we must demonstrate what it means to lead while striving always to please our partners. We must learn how to demonstrate justice tempered by mercy. We must learn to demonstrate forgiveness, not just within our family circle, but outside of it, when things do not go our way. We must consistently demonstrate courtesy to all regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or political views. And we must be the primary example of how to humble ourselves before God and submit our wills to Him. This lesson will have the longest and most lasting impact upon the lives of our children.

When seeking our place in the world, we look first to our mothers for a sense of belonging. This is natural and there is no harm in it. In homes where there is no father to play his own role, mothers must do their best to take on the additional mantle of leadership. But while they try to teach lessons they may not be well suited for, they should not neglect the areas they are strongest suited for. In order for us to be brave enough to go out and face the world, we begin by having confidence that our mom’s will always have a place for us under their wings. We are nurtured, comforted, and find healing in the protection of a mother’s arms. We can bathe in the deep care and concern a mother has for her young. Her daily practical lessons on the care and maintenance of a family unit should not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Adults who enter a home without a blood based relationship with the children now a part of their family unit, should do so with great deference to the existing parent, and their “style” of parenthood. But marriages where both parties submit their wills before Christ, will grow, alter, or morph over time into what He designs. This means as time passes the relationship between the children and their step-parents will grow and deepen. In these cases respect and authority must be earned by a consistent demonstration of love and service. It is not enough to speak the words, it must be demonstrated by the behavior and actions of the new parent. Love seeks out its own. Love responds to love. When love is shown in a home, it will gain respect and authority.

As children become adults their need of parents is greatly reduced, but their need of friendship and counselors on which they can rely for advice will not ever diminish. Parents can best fill a role of consiglieri for their children as they know them better than anyone else is likely to until they find marriage for themselves. We must respect the entrance of our children into the responsibility of adulthood, without abandoning them to their own devices. Though grown our worries for them transition from their physical needs and status, to their spiritual needs and status. We wonder if they walk with the Lord, or are distracted away from Him. We pray to the only God who can save them , to do so with them as He has and is with us. This has always been our greatest prayer, to save us, but to save those we love as well. We can have faith in our God’s ability and desire to grant that prayer.

When our children become parents themselves they will look to their past and imitate what they have experienced firsthand. This will be the test of success for our efforts with them. Grandchildren are yet another blessing as is the ability to have an older generation directly impact the newest one. A new parent can benefit from the experience of a grandparent, and can sometimes simply benefit from any kind of outside help. Grandparents are known for “spoiling” their grandchildren. I wonder if this comes from the wisdom of age that places a higher value on love than we did in our youth. It seems the older we become, the more we realize what is truly important, and what is fleeting. Grandparents recognize the supreme treasure of youth and love in the form of their trusting as yet untainted grandchildren. Soon enough the world will tempt them, exhaust them, and attempt to destroy their spirit. But for a while, a Grandparent can hold them, teach them, tell them stories, and enrich the culture of an entire family in so doing.

For those parents with small children who have no living Grandparents, it is worth adopting another set or two. Find an older couple in your church who may have less contact than they would like with their own families, or a couple confined to a nursing home, and visit them. Let them interact with your children. Involve them in your life and let your lives be enriched in the process. Older members of our families, whether by blood or by choice, add a dimension to our development that cannot be substituted in any other way. They add a richness to our lives. They add depth to our understanding. The wisdom that comes with age is wisdom we all need.

Protecting children is a universal desire. To be effective at it, is to begin with knowing your children, knowing their routines, patterns, interests, and behaviors. Sudden or dramatic changes in patterns you are familiar with generally indicate issues that must be discovered and addressed. An “A” student whose grades suddenly tank may be wrestling with a number of issues. It could be a new girl/boy-friend. It could be something more sinister like chemical stimulants. It could be even worse as they struggle with being victimized by a predatory adult. Not all changes in patterns of behaviors originate for negative reasons, but some do. Thus all must be investigated if protecting them remains the goal. Children rarely bring issues like these to their parent’s attention unprompted. It takes active observation, and a degree of prodding to help them open up to the truth. A sympathetic ear, and non-threatening environment will aid greatly in the process. Because of the level of evil in our world, predators have learned to conceal themselves in our nation, in our churches, and even in our families. Our best defense against predators, or paranoia, is to remain submitted to God, and alert to changes we see in our kids.

Finally, children pose an interesting question to us all – when can a person truly “know” God? What I “know” of Him now is far more than what I “knew” at 20 years of age. But this does not negate my “knowledge” at 20. The same is true even when I was only five years old. It appears that “knowing” God is more of a process than a destination. We will never be done learning about God, learning about how to Love, or appreciating our salvation from evil. Given this, do not belittle or decry, the relationship little children exhibit towards God. If they choose to participate in church traditions, let them. If they wish to be baptized at any age, let them. As Christ said … “suffer the little children to come unto me.” He did not discriminate against them for their “age”. He welcomes them all at any age. And He went further to remind us that we all look like children from His perspective, and we all really need Him. Let us not lose this important lesson as long as we live.

Physical Morality ...

So are there any types of sexual conduct or physical intimacy which should be considered immoral? Yes in point of fact, but probably not based on what you have learned to date. What destroys intimacy in a marriage becomes the definition of immorality for that couple. Stated another way, my self interest cannot be allowed to become my motive in seeking, or focus in performing, sexual activity; at least not without the sacrifice of my morality. The feeding of self, leads to the destruction of the individual, and the decay of the couple.

Perversion could be defined as Satan’s attempts to destroy the foundation of marriage - intimacy. Perversion is the process of inserting self gratification at the center of our sexuality. With it, come ideas that make less and less logical sense, while stimulating more and more the baser passions and animal lusts that humans have the capacity to embrace. Satan relies on the chemical alterations that occur in our brains to permanently disfigure our sexual appetites, and more often than not, he is not disappointed. Men and women live lives where self gratification has been the core motivating principle when thinking about sexual exploits. This thinking warps the mind and the appetites so that what might have been considered weird, becomes normal. And there is NO limit to the degradation cycle this can lead to. There is no thought of intimacy in this regard, and all of this baggage will be brought into a marriage. Sooner or later, the impacts of living with this thinking will take a toll on the marriage relationship.

The trick then, is to find a way of escape from the lives of self-centered thinking we have embraced to this very day. If perversion has found its way into our sexual “norms”, we will be blind to our own misgivings. We will not be looking to change what we consider to be normal behavior. So as with every other aspect of our lives, we must again come to our Savior. To cleanse the self from our sexual thinking, we must submit even our sexuality to our Lord. What we want, may not be what is right for us, or what is tolerable to our partner. But our goal is not to change the thinking of our partner, or to convince the Lord we have a point, our goal is to find joy in the sacrifice of self, and the adoption of service as our primary motivation once again. As we submit our sexuality to our Lord, He will patiently undo the damage we have done over the years. Some things will begin to lose their appeal, while new things will begin to seem exciting once again. This is the process of healing we experience throughout everything in our lives, but perhaps nowhere more poignantly than in our sexual experiences.

As love must be a choice, so intimacy must be a choice as well. You cannot force someone to love you, nor should you ever believe you can force intimacy to occur in a marriage. The idea of rape then, is completely negated by this thinking. Care and concern for your partner’s needs above your own, preclude the idea of forcing sexual behavior. A couple who have achieved intimacy understand this is impossible. It is only where self still rules the lower brain, that forced sexual conduct seems acceptable.

Intimacy then requires the consent and effort of equals. You cannot achieve intimacy with someone who is incapable of returning the level of maturity and effort you invest. A child and an adult for instance, are not capable of achieving intimacy as they think about this concept differently. The child seeks a parental protection and reassurance, whereas the adult seeks a partner of equality. It is only where self is still in charge that the idea of dominance, manipulation and control seem acceptable forms of sexual expression with a child. Those with diminished mental capacity may find intimacy with each other as equals, but not with fully capable minds and hearts. It is only the effects of perversion that would consider a pairing of great inequality or that of beyond our own species to the animal kingdom. These kinds of ideas reflect an abandonment of the goals of intimacy, and an adoption of the “norms” of perversion.

Oral expression is often debated in purely conservative circles as to its implied morality or lack thereof. Indeed it is conservative thinking that pioneered the idea of the missionary position as the only one acceptable to God. This is of course counter to everything we know about God’s creation and creative process. Look at the variety in our world around us. No two snowflakes, fingerprints, retinal scans, or DNA strings are identical – almost infinite variety in creation – and yet somehow we are going to pigeon hole God to one acceptable position for intercourse? Crazy. In short, there are no unacceptable positions for intimacy, and no acceptable positions at all for selfishness. Where couples find joy in the intimacy of their bedrooms serving each other and making each other happy, God Himself can be found. For He is always there. To say that our mouths are not intended to express sexual joy, is to deny the most fundamental expression of love itself – a kiss. Intimacy is about why we do what we do, more than even about what that is.

We were not originally designed with waste disposal as a bodily requirement. Our original diets and pure foods were completely converted into the energy our bodies needed, without waste at all prior to sin. But with the embracing of evil, decay in human physicality became a norm we must live with. Thus our waste disposal systems were activated. Sadly, given their proximity to our sexual reproductive stimuli, men have been given to confuse one with the other. While this makes no logical sense, it has none the less developed over time to become almost socially acceptable today. We have been undeterred by the inherent health risks of exposing parts of the body with no natural defenses to areas where human waste is produced. This is not sensible, nor practical, and the long term consequences should be enough to deter us from thinking this was a good idea. But some persist to the detriment of themselves and their partners. Perhaps when we return to the perfection we were designed for, the absence of human waste may make exploration of this area more viable, but for now, we should respect our condition, protect our health, and avoid what simply does not make sense. As with all things, when we submit our will to the Lord, He can direct us where He wants us to be.

With intimacy as the goal, sexual situations beyond a committed couple would not be considered. Groups, even of equals, do not seek the service of others as their primary goal. In general, toleration of this kind of sexual thinking is all about increasing the intensity or frequency of orgasm. The concept of open marriages involving voyeurism, or third party participation, is focused first on physical stimuli, last on deep vulnerability. Finding harmony between two people is difficult enough and requires submission of the will to Christ to even begin to achieve it. Harmony beyond two people to three or more is simply impossible, as it distorts the image of intimacy marriage was supposed to teach us about God. Being out of His design, we cannot expect Him to accomplish a perfect merging of purpose and intimacy between larger groups of people. His original design was one intended to offer us the best portrait of a perfect union of three where God Himself was at its core or center. We should aspire to maintain the model He setup.

Intimacy requires commitment. Not the kind of commitment that is made casually, or will fade at the first sign of disagreement – no intimacy needs the kind of commitment that intends not ever to be broken. Sexual expression then without the confines or protection of marriage destroys our ability to find what intimacy truly means. It damages what is supposed to be a fragile part of ourselves, a delicate piece of our humanity intended to be sheltered from the evil this world would perpetrate. We often refer to the “innocence of a child”. This sentiment is drawn largely before a child becomes sexually active. Lack of intimacy, and the prevalence of perversion, makes us think that once sexually active, all traces of innocence disappear from the child. But if we protect that most private part of ourselves until safely able to share it within a marriage, we maintain a state of innocence that God intended us to dwell within. The baggage of sexual history many bring to a marriage serves only as a curse, never as a benefit. It is inexorably linked to a focus on self gratification and trains the mind to pursue this course whenever sexual thoughts arise. Satan feeds this beast ideally until it destroys us completely. But God would offer us freedom from our past, and protection from our future, with the simple act of allowing Him to do so.

Many are deceived to think that even while in a committed marriage, love for another may yet arise. Since we believe God is the author of all love, we naturally assume He has given us love for this other person, and are then free to pursue an extramarital relationship, be it romantic or physical. The idea that one can love more than a single committed partner is inherently illogical. If pleasing our spouse is our first priority, then destroying the trust we have with them could never be in “their” best interest. If we already are committed to a spouse, we could never offer another the level of intensity or prove through our actions we are worthy of trust. Thus no relationship in our lives could truly be called intimate or even true love. It is false love. It is a chemical attraction and accompanying good feeling pheromones that distort our judgment and intend to wreck our lives, and the lives of many others in our circles. The only love demonstrated by the cheating heart is sent facing the mirror. We lie to ourselves, to our partners, to those who would accept less of us to have some of us. It is deception designed to destroy and it is remarkably effective.

The world presents extramarital sex as offering benefits to your marriage. It recites well rehearsed lies such as “adding spice” to your sex life. But the spice is anthrax, and the results are terminal. Premarital sex does not make one a better lover, it makes one a worse lover. Instead of learning how to give, and honor only one, we learn only how to take, and move on quickly. There are no benefits to seeking sexual expression outside of the confines of marriage. There is only destruction painted with shiny wrappers and pretty bows. But the presents we think we can have contain desolation waiting to annihilate entire families, damage children perhaps irrevocably, and cause pain to all who care. It requires great forgiveness to move past a betrayal of this fundamental core. It requires a master creator God to recreate a worthy heart within us, where now rests only a dead one made of stone. But He has repaired worse. While we have hope in His skills, we would do better to heed His council and avoid the need of forgiveness.

To be moral in our sexual expression is to seek the happiness of our partner for our entire lives. It is to put their needs above our own. It is to honor the commitments we make and the relationship we have asked God to be the center of. To be moral is to be logical, to be willing to change what we do not even recognize requires a change, and to bend our stubborn will to His own. This is the basis for morality in our marriage. And the only way we have of achieving it, is to accept the gift of it, He would give us.

Physical Intimacy ...

Could you have sex in front of God? Most people do not relish this idea, though upon consideration we realize we all do it. If there is even the mildest discomfort in the idea of having intercourse in the presence of God it should quickly beg the question - why? Is it our nudity, or our passion that makes us uncomfortable? Is it our thoughts that betray us? Are we selfishly engaged or selflessly engaged? Are we trained to think this act requires privacy that even God would not be welcome within?

God created us, and knows every inch of our bodies. He knows what our faces look like in the mirror after a shower and a shave, and He knows what we smell like when covered in waste we could not control. We like to think that God only pays attention to us when we are “normal.” We like to think He is not watching so closely when we are naked, vulnerable, sick, pathetic, going to the bathroom, or engrossed in self-inflicted pain. But He is there, no matter the condition we are in. He sees all and knows everything about us. The fat we try to hide, the wrinkles or blemishes we try to cover, the hair we comb over, He knows about all of it. Our concept of privacy is good when applied to each other, but meaningless when applied with God.

Before we can begin to grasp the lesson we are learn from the creation of physical intimacy, we must return God to the position He must hold in our marriages and in our lives. We should not be embarrassed that our Lord created intercourse, or that we have the desire to engage in it. This was His design, His creation, His intentions. Who are we to criticize? Married couples should not experience guilt in coming together physically as guilt was not at all a part of His perfect creation. Embarrassment and guilt are indications that what you have learned about physical intimacy probably lacks the intimacy part of the equation.

What makes your partner happy? I do not limit the scope of my question to simply physical contact, rather I include everything under the sun. For me, it is root beer to drink with lots of ice in a huge cup, a simple pleasure. My current kidney stone would probably argue the merits of root beer with me, and right now it would decidedly win the fight, but in time when the pain has subsided I am likely to return to drinking what makes me happy. My wife, without asking or prompting, can find my large glass, clean out the remnants of my last drinking venture, fill it with ice, poor the root beer over it, and bring it to me wherever I happen to be. This simple random act of kindness reflects a level of intimacy others would hardly appreciate. In the scheme of things, bringing me a soda is NOT such a big deal. Compared with say, world peace, who cares? But to me, the act is neither small nor meaningless. It is as big as the great outdoors, for you see; it is my great fondness for root beer that truly drives my appreciation for the kindness she has done. It means more to me, than great wealth, or even the same thought but with Coke instead of root beer.

It is the fact that she notices which drink I prefer. It is the fact that she takes action without prompting. It is the fact that she brings me the drink I want, not the one she wants, not the one on sale, not the one already opened, not the one closest and easiest for her to get. But the one I want. She does this for me, and inside my mind I am a king whose throne can hardly be seen with the naked eye. It sounds stupid to other mere mortals, but they miss the point. It is the level of intimacy between us that allows her to know when to offer such a kindness. It is her attention to the details of what makes me happy. This is why intimacy is the precursor to physical contact. This is why intimacy is the goal of physical contact, not the result of it.

With the wills fully submitted to Christ, we enter our bedrooms with the sole purpose of discovering what pleases our partners in the physical realm. Do not be misled to think that only sexually explicit contact is what can make a partner happy. Massage of tired muscles and aching joints or head can sometimes be as rewarding as any other type of physical contact. Beyond the mere realm of intercourse, intimacy is much broader than what we have conceived of. Achieving intimacy takes effort. It takes attention to details. It takes active observation. It records success and notes failure without criticism but with education in mind. It is specific as it is based on an individual – one individual – your partner and only your partner. We must not fail to allow our partner to discover what truly makes us happy, nor divert our attention from the full goal of determining what brings them joy. This is the beginning of intimacy, not of orgasm.

When orgasm is not the goal, or the yardstick to measure the quality of intimacy by, a new kind of relationship is possible. One that is MORE rewarding, not less. The physical response of an orgasm will definitely bring one momentary joy, but it is decidedly not the only thing that can. I am fairly certain I have had at least as many root beers as orgasms in my life, and I can enjoy them in public venues (the root beers that is). I am not trying to make an equal comparison but simply to note that there are a great many ways to demonstrate love, and to achieve intimacy that transcend just our physical needs. All of these other methods do not lessen the intensity of our physical experiences, they in fact enhance them. When bringing each other pleasure on any level, becomes our life goal and daily routine, the stress of the world melts away. Husbands and wives look forward to getting home from work, as home becomes a solace from the world. The home where service is the priority is one filled to overflowing with joy that has no end. The demands that weaken our body and mind placed on us at work are lifted by the tender caring attention of a spouse who finds joy in the lifting. But this is only possible when human will and weakness is submitted to God and replaced by divine strength, guidance, and wisdom.

The complete lessening of stress by daily attention to intimacy removes the many mental barriers that affect our “sex” lives. Neither men nor women are quickly able to walk away from daily stress and think romantic thoughts of physical intimacy at the flip of a switch. But when intimacy is the yardstick of quality in a marriage, patience is made manifest, concern for another becomes paramount, and stress itself becomes the casualty of the day. With stress defeated, or reduced to a far lesser role, physical contact becomes much more viable, and in fact wanted. But to maintain a life of service, is to maintain a submission of the will to Christ, and a trust that the 3rd party to our union is always faithful in His role to reform and renew what must be done in our minds and souls.

Dating for Dummies ... (Part 3 of 3)

continued from (part 2 of 3) ...

6.) It is best to meet new people at a bar. Untrue. The best place to meet viable potential dating partners is at your local church. This gives you time to see people interact with others and with family. How a person interacts with family and friends is a good indicator of what you can expect to see from them over time with you. It gives you time to learn about them, before you decide to increase the level of socialization through dating. And finally, it gives you at least a cursory chance that you share some values and ideas common to your religious thinking, although as stated before, do not assume to know too much in this arena before extensive conversations and observation.

Meeting at social clubs such as a health club, gym, sports team events, etc is likely your next best location for date selection for similar reasons. Dating people where you work is less preferable as most people do not have the social maturity to maintain quality professional working relationships if a personal one ends or ends badly. Singles bars, drinking parties, and the like are the worst places to meet serious dating candidates as judgment is often impaired during these types of outings, and intentions can easily be misunderstood due to the surrounding environments. Where you meet does not destine a relationship for success or for failure, but where you look for one is an indication of what you are looking for and of what you intend to offer.

7.) It’s OK to date someone who is already in a committed relationship with another person. Untrue. People tend to rationalize the situations they create for themselves, often by blaming another. Bad marriages, accusations of an unfaithful partner, accusations of abuse, etc.. are all used as reasons why a person might show themselves as available for dating while not yet un-entangled with the perceived source of their pain. This represents a lack of judgment on their part, and may be an indicator of a particular personality weakness they are prone to. If they are willing to “cheat” on their existing partner, they are willing to “cheat” on you. No one likes to believe this at first, but over time the axiom proves true almost without exception.

Everyone who enters these kinds of “complicated” relationships thinks that theirs will be different. But this is mere self delusion. The entangled party should free themselves of the other BEFORE thinking they have 100% of themselves to offer another. If they enter dating knowing this cannot be true, they doom themselves to failure.

If you are not in a committed relationship, and choose to date someone who is, it is you that compromises your own self-worth. You effectively give license to date only a portion of the other person, knowing you do not have access to the whole. You will not get the attention, respect, or time you need to build a lasting relationship, because the situation of entanglement will prevent you from having it regardless of intentions. Relationships that start out on such shifting sands are doomed to end in a crashing heart. Best to avoid them, and wait until you are able to give and receive 100% attention from your dating partner.

 

If we had learned how to date properly, to value others properly, and to submit our own wills over to Christ so that He might lead us and change us into who He wants us to be, our marriages would be the epitome of happiness found on this miserable planet. With proper foresight, we would not be entering into divorces so often or so casually. We would have been properly armed with a better understanding of who we were committing to, and what that would require of each of us. And so as with all things good, evil creates myths to infect our thinking, warp our judgment, and send us headlong into a tunnel of despair. But it need not be so, with those who have discovered the beauty of surrender to Christ. For those who do, there is an entire world of discovery waiting to be uncovered.

So in summary, the purpose of dating is more about preparing us for a life of giving to another, sharpening our social skills, and teaching us what it means to explore interests that were not our own. Even young children can experience the joy of socialization and should be guided by parents, peers, and teachers to respect others, learn how to communicate effectively, and learn to experience new things and interests in a group social context. Our lives become enriched as we avoid the pitfalls, and warped thinking of evil. And the relationship of marriage that we prepare for throughout the dating process becomes something we can enter into knowing we are bringing a submitted heart, and the experienced set of hands and feet of a servant.

topic ends ...

Dating for Dummies ... (Part 2 of 3)

continued from (part 1 of 3) ...

3.) The three date rule applies. Untrue. The purpose of dating is NOT sexual intimacy. Dating should not be considered a “try it before you buy it” concept. The idea that you need to determine is you are sexually compatible based on experience is yet another myth. Sexual intimacy will be discussed in much greater detail in the marriage section on relationships, but for now suffice it to say, that giving to another, and respecting someone else should mean valuing them enough to refrain from becoming needlessly hormonally dependent on another person with little or no commitments or intimacy involved.

Once sex enters the picture, it clouds the mind with pheromones and radically affects the judgment of both parties. Where before logic would have foretold impassable differences on the horizon in values, intellect, emotional maturity, etc., now hormonal need enters and postpones these concerns until far into the future when they will become much more painful to experience. Many potential couples would move on to explore other possibilities, and much faster, had they not engaged in sex prematurely.

Sex tends to enslave the mind of the uncommitted. It reinforces the thinking that people are mere objects of pleasure, rather than valued individuals. And ultimately, sexual promiscuity deforms the thinking until YOU are the one with nothing to offer in a relationship, as it is your mind that no longer has any ideas what it means to give more than to take. In short, sex without the confines of marriage creates and fosters selfish tendencies that may remain in effect over an entire lifetime. As hard as it may seem, forgoing sex is the best way to determine real compatibility in a relationship, and is a better indicator of long term viability.

Guys who think they can spend enough money on a date that she should feel obligated to sleep with them – are viewing women as objects that can be purchased – in short whores. Women who buy in to this concept see themselves in this way as well. Sexual intimacy cannot be purchased, it must be a gift. Becoming a good lover does NOT happen due to the variety of people you sleep with; it has to do with the care and interest you take in really knowing who you are trying to please. Having casual sex with 100 selfish idiots is not going to improve your “skills”. It is going to turn you into the 101 selfish idiot.

The idea that sex may only be exciting when it is “new,” is part of the same thinking that separates the intimacy, trust, and vulnerability from sex and tries to turn it into mere biology. “New” can never replace “trust” where it comes to sex, relationships, or anything else of value. Again, the best way to determine compatibility of life-long partner is to abstain from sex while dating, and reserve your trust until someone is willing to commit the entirety of theirs to you as well.

4.) Love at first site is real. Untrue. Chemical attraction at first sight is real. Desire at first sight is real. Having that indescribable feeling of wanting to get to know someone else at first sight is real. But none of this is love, and most of this will not last very long. Love as we said earlier is about what we give to someone else, not about what we take. How can we truly love someone without knowing what it is they care about? How can we claim to love someone, who we are clueless about how to please? Loving someone is about learning these things and practicing them.

It will take more than a lifetime to ever try to fully know anyone. But this fact leaves open the idea of virtual newness, new discoveries about the object of your affections that will happen over a lifetime. While age may change your physical appearance, and prowess, it may also bring new insights into just how deep love can run. The longer you date someone, the more chance you will have to experience meaning with them. Chances are higher over time you will need forgiveness, even from the object you are trying so hard to please. Chances are higher over time that shared experiences will become treasured memories, and that a life shared becomes more valuable to you than a life spent alone.

5.) Age does not matter when dating. Untrue. How old a person is radically affects their perspective and degree of experience in living life. A younger person who chooses to date a much older person may appreciate the wisdom, maturity, and vision of their partner; but may also be drawn to them for their wealth, power, and prowess. But in choosing someone substantially older, they yield up a degree of control over themselves to a person who has the means to use it.

The older person may not consciously manipulate the younger, but the potential to do this exists, as the skills learned over time make the older person much more formidable than the young. People of vastly difference maturity levels should ask themselves what it is about the relationship they seek that makes them happy and brings them fulfillment. Love must be a choice, if it can be manipulated, then it can never be real. How many years different in age is the right number? ,,, is the wrong question. This is considered better in realizing the maturity differences between two people, and avoiding the pitfalls of manipulation whether by intent or by accident from either party.

to be continued ...

Dating for Dummies ... (Part 1 of 3)

The most important aspect of dating to consider is the phase or age of the person considering entering this social construct. Dating for those under 12 or 13, or perhaps better stated for children not having arrived at puberty, is less about dating and more about socialization. This kind of dating is different than 13 to 17 year olds or perhaps better stated School age dating. Next would come college age or 18 to 23 year old dating, followed by early career dating 24 to 30. Past 30 years old, most people are engaged in serious dating meaning they are looking less at socialization for fun, and more at potential life partners. Obviously there are exceptions to the goals and desires of each individual at any given age, but the general construct we discuss here should apply fairly well to whatever your desires may be presently.

There are many myths even inside of Christianity at large that have developed over the years related to dating that need to be debunked if we are ever to have longer term successful relationships. These myths include …

1.) We should only date people we would want to marry. Untrue. In any dating scenario the first goal of the experience is to sharpen our own social skills and interactions with someone who interests us. This means our first goals should be to learn how to listen to someone, really listen, and figure out where we are alike and not alike. We must learn how to talk to someone and effectively communicate our own desires, ambitions, values, and beliefs – WHILE carefully insuring we do not offend them or imply criticism in theirs. We must learn how to read non-verbal cues to determine if we are listening or communicating effectively. If you really want to impress someone, listen to them. If you want to impress them further, step out of your own comfort zone and embrace doing something that interests them, not you. In so doing you broaden your own horizons and make your own life more full, even if it is to merely reinforce your current opinions on the topic. The effort of trying is important – to you, to your own growth and viability as a dating partner.

Next it is important that we create an enjoyable experience for both parties on a date. Beyond mere effective communication, this takes active participation. It means we value the person we are trying to get to know, more than the food we eat on a date, more than the movie which vies for our attention, or any other distraction we may choose to engage in to help us become better at our social skills. The idea that anyone would even know who they want to marry, before having MANY successful social encounters with a wide variety of people is simply counterintuitive. We do not know what we do not know. Dating is a way to educate us, while we learn really well, how to read and please another person,

2.) We should only date people of like faith, or like values. Untrue. Dating is not intended to be marriage; it is intended to be for better socialization. And people do not generally wear their true values, religion, or faith on their sleeves. What someone does under pressure is a better indication of who they really are. This would take time and effort to see, it could not easily be done on a mere casual date. Just because a person shares membership in the selected denomination of your church does not mean they share the submission of their will to Jesus, as you may be doing. It does not mean you can assume you know what they think or believe on any “accepted” doctrine of your faith. With a wide variety of differences between us, you cannot logically assume we are all on the same page spiritually or at the same point on our journey. This is what the dating process helps to reveal. You should not exclude or include anyone based on a cursory review of some title they apply to themselves. This kind of narrow judgmentalism leaves only you at a loss and puts unnecessary restrictions on your potential dating pool.

to be continued ...

Biggest Bang for the Buck ...

Once the core of your selfishness has been released to Christ to have Him change it, the question becomes what next? Outside of teaching you to serve others rather than to serve yourself which is going to positively impact your life beyond anything you may imagine to date; I believe the next area to focus on is our relationships. The most important relationship to focus on first is our marriages which should also cover the dating process. This would be followed by our parental relationships, then our families, friendships, and work place associations. When you consider that nothing of value in this world will transcend into the next one except your relationships, it seems to make sense we focus a bit here first.

To quote George Lucas … “You must unlearn what you have learned.” [Yoda, Star Wars Episode 5] This has never been more true than in the interactions and social relationships people have with each other. It begins with recognizing the true value of the individual. You are unique. You were created with a specific purpose in mind by a God who praises infinite variety. Your purpose may have many layers – something for this world, for the place in which you work, in your home life, and in the next Kingdom God as designed. But your purpose is unique to you, not just now but for all time. Therefore the loss of you, is a loss to the entire universe, and for all time. It does not mean that God’s plans will not go forward, they will. But your role will never quite be duplicated within them. You remain unique.

When you understand that each soul has a special purpose as ordained by God, then you begin to appreciate just how precious each life is. When looking to first form relationships with others, it is important to begin by understanding that this person you intend to interact with, has an equally important role in God’s work, is equally loved by God, and is equally critical to the family of God as yourself. Just as God compared our body to His church, so people can have radically different perspectives, talents, skills, and abilities – and NONE are any less important than another. Your eye and your ear for example share little, but you could not exist as well without each of them. They are both precious despite their seeming to have nothing in common with each other except improving your own life.

Respecting differences then is the first step towards having successful social interactions. Often men in relationships will dismiss differences with a potential dating partner or spouse as unimportant. But these differences make up the person you are interested in. They are in fact important, because without them, the object of your intentions would not be who you are drawn to. Women conversely dismiss differences as if on a checklist of “things to change” once they settle down with this man. Enlightened women understand there is no Mr. Right, or perhaps Mr. Perfect, but falsely believe he can still be built from Mr. Right Here and Right Now. He cannot. Perfection is not built by the nagging or encouragement of a woman, nor can Perfection be defined by one. Perfection begins once the will is submitted to Christ, and only then does one have anything to offer in a relationship with another.

Having learned to accept the differences we encounter with each other, we must begin to redefine what Love means in a relationship. Valuing another human being means they cannot be treated as mere objects, or possessions. Evil has fostered the idea that another person can be a mere plaything. You can trifle with someone’s emotions in order to get from the relationship whatever it is that you want. This objectification of the human species tears our value down from its core. If allowed to infect our thinking, it keeps us from ever understanding what true intimacy means and has to offer us. It makes us willing tools in the destruction of ourselves and of others. And it makes us wholly unfit to have or maintain any meaningful relationships with nearly anyone. People can simply not be treated like packages on the shelf at Walmart.

To love someone, is to give to someone. It is to act in that person’s interests above your own. It is to find joy in the giving, not in the taking. It is to care about the needs, interests, feelings, and well being of someone else ahead of every other competing desire of your own. When you love someone, you want that person to be happy. You will spend every waking minute trying to figure out new ways of making that person happy. And in so doing, you will find the greatest of contentment you have ever experienced. This is how our God loves us. This is what our God does for us. If our God is love, then this is what the example of our God and of love is to us. Not mere words, not mere feelings, not mere hormonal attractions that can fade with age – but daily meaning actions that demonstrate the desires of the heart.

Some have said that love is pain. This is untrue. It is the lack of love that brings pain. It is the rejection of love that causes heartache and suffering. But the embracing of love as a freewill choice between two people can bring more happiness than ever dreamed possible. Why two people? - Because it is nearly exhausting to respect the differences in another, and to try to find ways of making them happy in an imperfect world. Achieving unity with just one other person can be a life’s work. To add a third party to the unity quest is to make it virtually impossible to find. Our differences are vast, and the effort it takes to respect them, and perhaps even to embrace them, is no small self-sacrifice. But the level of intimacy that can be achieved can be life altering. And though love rejected can feel like a sharp stick through the heart, it can also reveal the true nature of what we call love for another. For if we truly love someone else, we would desire their happiness above our own, even if it means we will not be the one to make them happy. This may be a painful acknowledgement, but it means we know what love is, and someone else will one day be the beneficiary of this knowledge. We can only hope as much for those we wish well as they depart from us.

With these prerequisites in mind we are ready to discuss dating …