Divorce: (and other Broken Vows) ...

It used to be considered a ‘bad’ word, something not spoken of in polite company.  Then it became a banner of freedom and liberation from the tyranny of unhappy homes.  Now it is as common as the catching a cold.  Christians are not immune; they divorce as much or more than does the non-believer.  So why is this condition becoming so pervasive in our lives, and more importantly if it happens to us, then what?

The Bible tells a story about ‘vows’ that is none-too-pleasant.  You see a father is away from home, and is upset by some bad news.  In his haste, and arrogance, he ‘vows’ to kill the first person coming through his gate on his return home.  Of course the first person meeting this criterion winds up being his much loved daughter.  He informs his daughter of his vow, she asks for a little time to prepare, then he carries it out – killing his much loved offspring.  Why on earth tell this horrid story?  For only one key reason, to teach us humility – we are not supposed to be making vows at all.  God never approves of this incident from beginning to end.  It was stupid.  It was the arrogance of man making stupid commitments based on a warped sense of honor that winds up costing us the very thing we value most in this world.  Humans and vows don’t mix well.

Think about your walk with God for a minute.  Ever made a promise or a vow to God, that you were actually able to keep, without ever slipping, or needing forgiveness for going back on your word?  Even our promises of the best intent wind up short.  The reason is we completely lack the control to fulfill our commitments.  We cannot keep ourselves from danger, we cannot overrule the laws of physics, we are subject to the decisions and whims of others, and thus we tend to be blown around by fate more than we would like.  Admitting this shortfall is almost unheard of in this country, but it remains true.  Our ability to control is an illusion, therefore our follow-through on a vow is tepid at best.  It is not just bad vows we should avoid, it is any vow based on human strength.

So am I saying not to make vows at a wedding?  Sort of.  I am saying that declaring before the world what ‘we’ are vowing is a fairly worthless exercise.  We could however alter our language just a bit, and couch our words in the bosom of the Lord and be a bit safer about it.  We would be better stating, “as I renew my commitment today to our Lord, and in the strength of our God, so I ask Him to make me faithful to you.  To treat you as God has treated me.  To love you as God has loved me.  To forgive you and accept you in all things, as I have been forgiven and accepted by God.”  These are vows you have a shot at keeping.  The traditional ones just don’t seem to cut it, as statistics bear out.  You see were we to understand the nature of marriage better, we would be less likely to experience divorce. 

Think about how preposterous monogamy is based on the human will alone.  The male instinct is to hunt, not to stick around afterwards.  There are very few examples of mating for life in the world of nature – this is also true when looking at humanity.  So with evil bent on destroying a healthy image of sexual expression, combined with our natural inclination to blow our commitments, is it any wonder that vows made outside of God don’t last?  Even the ones before witnesses and with words like “let no man put asunder”; or “for better or for worse”.  Our problem, even during a wedding, is that our vows do not reflect our dependence on God.  What’s more, neither does how we think about relationships in general.

We need to understand that the differences between any two people on planet earth are enough to warrant separation.  Stay with someone long enough and they will “drive you crazy”.  It does not have to be a spouse; parents, even kids, can accomplish this feat.  Our differences would naturally drive us apart over time.  To overcome this dilemma we need to remember the God is the cornerstone of the relationships we are trying to build.  When we reach that point of sheer frustration, it is time to sit back, and pray about it.  Oh I know, you will be praying the other stupid person in this situation gets the ‘wisdom’ they need to see your point of view.  But as fate or God may have it, you might the one who experiences the change of heart.  Basing the success of a relationship on the interaction of God is both a recognition of our need, and a strategy that has a shot at success.  Notice it is STILL not a guarantee of success because so often the stupid person we are so eager to change turns out to be us.  And we have such a tendency to block God’s efforts to help US see the error in our ways.  We want God to change them not us.

So then is divorce a kind of screw-you (pardon the pun) for making promises you couldn’t keep?  Doesn’t Christ say that the only reason acceptable for divorce is adultery?  No actually.  When you start by basing relationships, even marriage on God, you begin to see the strength of a person’s relationship with God is a fairly good predictor of the strength of a relationship with you.  If you know a Christian, who has experienced forgiveness, is looking to escape the pain of evil, and tries hard to follow and make good choices – you have a working candidate for success.  When you know someone who could care less about God, exhibits destructive behavior, and seems more interested in pleasing themselves than others (even if they carry the name Christian), you have a candidate for relationship woe.  The latter person will be far harder to maintain a relationship with, than the former.  Other religions carry a common thread of working your own way to heaven or nirvana – these philosophies are bound to come up short in the real world, as we all know the extent of our own evil tendencies if left to our own devices.  This is why non-Christians do not make it easy to maintain a relationship.  Those that tout being moral as enough, or being good as enough, fail to use the proper standard to measure their goodness against, and are generally completely blind the nature of their own selfishness.

When a partner has no relationship with God, or breaks their relationship in a repeatedly destructive way, the ability to enter divorce becomes real for us.  It is not for any to judge the choices of another in this matter.  If a person chooses to ‘love it out’ with a prickly person, it is up to them.  But when they choose to leave, it is also up to them.  There should be no condemnation of others for how they react to evil that is forced upon them by someone else.  If adultery were the only ‘sin’ that ‘justifies’ divorce does it include lust?  Christ said if you lust, you have ALREADY committed adultery in your mind and are therefore guilty of breaking the law.  And since when does you sinning first, make it OK for me to sin later? (i.e. the first person commits the adultery and the second person is then free to remarry without guilt).  Moo-moo Ca-ca.  The order in which a person sins does not justify the act, ever.  If it is wrong for the first person, it is wrong for everyone, period.  This traditional view is nutty, and fails to address the real issue of a broken relationship with God that occurs before the human one is even visible.  It is here where we should spend our efforts for repair and healing.  Focus not on fixing the human one first, focus on fixing the one with our Lord first – then fix the human one.  After all, what is generally required to repair a relationship is a change in behavior, and who can accomplish that outside of God.

So what happens if we find ourselves divorced already for the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 10^th time?  Is there ever any forgiveness?  Like any other ‘vow’ we find ourselves breaking, there is always forgiveness.  But to change the outcome and avoid the next divorce you need to rethink the process now.  Base what you have to offer a potential or current partner from the viewpoint of your own relationship with God.  Be honest with yourself and your partner.  Tell them what you struggle with.  Don’t hide your weaknesses in the darkness and embarrassment of your guilt, shed a little light on them with the person who you will be the MOST vulnerable with.  If they are going to commit to you for life, don’t they need to know what evil tendencies they are up against?  The confession is not meant to serve as condemnation, but as a request for help.  For example, if I have a struggle with alcoholism, but you are able to drink in moderation with no second thought – you might be more aware of your behavior around me, and maybe even forego drinking altogether to help me out.  This is not your weakness it is mine.  But living with a junkie means taking a few more precautions, or risking the doom of my own predispositions. 

When looking for a mate, or talking to a current one, let them know how strongly you feel about a personal relationship with God and how and why it is so important to you – that they have one.  Remember you are not the evaluator of another’s relationship.  But you are the recipient of behavior strongly influenced by God or by the lack of Him, through another.  If we truly intend to beat divorce and not repeat divorce, we need to stop looking at ourselves and our vows as the strength we need to last.  We need to start looking at an eternal God, and seeing our strengths and weaknesses through His eyes.  We have much to offer another through our connection with God.  We have nothing to offer another without Him.  All our goodness stems from God, not naturally from within us.  We are a channel, not the fountain.  And so we must begin to see marriage differently.  We must replace our vow of words, with our active prayers, and perhaps only then will we escape a fate of self-inflicted loneliness.

Crap Sex ...

In our last post we discussed the importance of intimacy; how at the beginning of our existence God setup the ideal committed relationship between a man and a woman to be able to share everything with each other.  In this union of man and woman was the blessing and presence of God.  So how did the ultimate act of intimacy somehow become ‘dirty’, forbidden, and casual?  Time to explore Satan’s counterfeit to incredible sex, crap sex.

The first step in understanding our current conundrum is to discern the real target of evil as it relates to sex.  You see evil is not out to destroy our ability to have great sex directly, evil is out to destroy our ability to ever be able to have true intimacy.  In order to cause as much damage to our lives, and misery to our existence as possible, the first thing evil MUST eliminate is any kind of real support system we might rely on.  If we find ourselves alone, we become easy prey.  If there is no-one in your life who you can rely upon, to help you, because they love you, and care about you – then you have no role-model to assume God would be any different, chances are less you would recognize He is ALWAYS here to help you, and you would simply try to fight and find the answers you need all by yourself.  Again, easy pickings.  So be aware, that evil has always wanted to eliminate intimacy from our thinking and our reality.  Everything evil has done to ‘market’ its counterfeit program for sexual happiness has taken into account the maximum destruction of intimacy in our lives.

Crap sex, begins by attempting to remove any morality, or intimacy, from all sexual expression.  The goal here is to transform sexual expression from an act centered on giving and pleasing a committed partner, into a solitary goal of physical ejaculation (orgasm).  Turn an act of ultimate intimacy, into a biological issue.  The purported reason this idea gains any traction at all with us, is that we so want to eliminate any guilt from having sex.  If sex is reduced down to nothing more than a biological act, with no other real significance, personal orgasm the only real goal – then doesn’t anything go? 

This line of thinking originates from an alternative view of our origin, namely evolution.  People ascribe the lack of morality, the absence of God, and the natural biological expression of sexual joy – as nothing more than ‘science’s’ way of insuring the propagation of the species.  Yet the same people squirm at the idea of people having sex with their children, or their parents, or their livestock, or their pets – as being morally unacceptable.  Seems a bit of a paradox to me.  If anything goes with respect to sex, then there should be no societal judgment about how you achieve your orgasm, or for that matter where.  You eat in public after all, which is another natural biological function without morality, why would we need to shelter others from our sexual expressions.  Anytime, anyplace, under any conditions?  Haven’t heard too many atheists or scientists go this far yet, even though truly absent morality, this is the logical conclusion to the premise.  Under this idea, age and judgment should not enter into the sexual equation, once old enough to ejaculate, have at it.  And so intimacy is completely abandoned in this thinking, and empty biological addiction is formed.

The basis of this kind of a marketing campaign has a common thread – move the attention of the victim to self gratification, then justify whatever action they take as ‘natural’.  By focusing only on the debate of whether sexual expression is ‘nothing more’ than simply biology, we gloss over the subtle premise that has crept into our thinking.  Sexual gratification is all about me.  It is MUCH easier then to see the opposite sex, as mere ‘objects’ to help me achieve orgasm.  We reduce other people, to other things we can use for our gratification.  The interest of self here overwhelms even the concept of intimacy, and people become conquests.  And ‘evil’ feeds this inclination of ours at every turn.  We are surrounded by advertising to move products through association with sex.  The term “sex sells” is true in our world.  It works.  It is why we see so much of it around us.  It also propagates the idea that people are objects we can use for our own enjoyment.  This centering or focusing on self as a way to gain happiness, is in fact the origin of ALL evil.  This is how Lucifer was transformed into Satan.  And we already know how the story of evil ends.  What’s more we know that evil inflicts as much pain as possible along the way, so if this is what evil promotes – that should ring enough warning bells for us to begin to examine if we have bought in to any of these lies.

If one engages in ‘casual’ sex, they are transformed over time, into ‘casual’ people – people without depth or meaning to their existence.  Intimacy suffers at every heart break.  Attempting to express an ultimate act of intimacy with someone who is not committed to a relationship with you is truly impossible.  The fear of rejection, and abandonment will at some point win out.  Either you will never truly give 100% of yourself to them, due to your own fears.  Or you will never experience what it is like when someone else gives 100% of themselves to you.  If you miss either element, you get stuck having crap sex.  It may feel good physically, but it will cripple your ability to have intimacy over time, and leave you incapable of experiencing what God had in mind for you to have (at least without major help from Him to repair your emotional wounds).

How else has sex become dirty?  One might call it the subtle art of addiction and deprivation.  Empty sex, or sexual expression without meaning is at first very physically appealing, even in a highly traditional point of view.  But over time, and without any intimacy, a ‘normal’ sexual experience becomes less exciting.  Perhaps a change of partner is required to get the excitement back.  This will work for a while.  But then even that is not enough to maintain the stimulation.  Sexual experimentation is often engaged in, at this point.  All the various fetishes, that are supposed to increase stimulation are explored: lightly at first, but eventually the more ‘depraved’ the act, or scenario, the more the stimulation.  Over time, this can even lead to dangerous sexual behavior like choking off oxygen during sex, having unprotected high-risk sex for ‘fun’, etc..  The underlying problem here is one we have touched on before.  It starts with a focus on self, and self gratification.  But in addition, it carries the added burden of being able to adjust our brain chemistry once again, and cause us to literally become sexual addicts.  The chemical addiction of sex is every bit as real as cocaine, nicotine, or any other mind-altering drug.  It’s affects on the brain can be measured, and treatment for addiction must be sought in order to ‘heal’ from it.

People sometimes struggle with the morality of masturbation.  It would appear on the upside, that masturbation does not hurt anyone else, it is the safest of all sexual expression from disease or unwanted pregnancy, and it is better than destroying intimacy by having other casual, or random sexual encounters.  In short the better of two evils maybe.  However take a closer look at what occurs during typical masturbation.  The overall goal again is centered on self, not on others – so it begins with a self-centered premise, never a good sign.  Then most people either fantasize, or directly look at stimulating materials (i.e. porn) during masturbation to achieve or increase arousal.  Both these fantasies, and this material, propagate the idea that people are merely things we can use for our own enjoyment (the destruction of intimacy occurs in our minds, even if not in our bodies).  And lastly, the chemical responses in our brains are every bit as likely to fall into a pattern of addictive behavior through this method of fantasy and self-stimulation as they are through actual experiences.  Even the patterns of depravity can be seen in the kind of visual stimulation it requires to achieve results over time.  And for people who have entered a committed relationship with someone, to indulge this type of self-gratification, robs their partners on a physical and emotional basis.  It further robs the victim, by reducing his inclination to give, and experience real joy, as opposed to centering only on his own needs.

So within a committed relationship that is sanctioned by God is there anything related to sexual expression that is ‘off limits’ or ‘evil’?  Can even married people have crap sex?  God gave you many abilities of your body, a full set of senses (sight, sound, smell, taste), an imagination to be creative, an innate desire for sexual expression, and an unparalleled joy from giving to others.  There may be some physical activities, or positions, that are not possible for some couples simply because the body mechanics will not allow for it.  There are risks of infection if cleanliness concepts are not observed.  But I see no morality issues related to sexual expression when confined to an ultimate act of intimacy between 2 committed people (a husband and wife).  I personally do not believe that indulging in anal sex of any kind is something God had in mind for us to explore.  This is purely a personal belief, and if someone else had a different view, I would be the last person to judge it – it just stems from a logical viewpoint.  That particular orifice is one of the dirtiest, smelliest, places on a human body, and therefore to think of it in sexually attractive terms seems a bit odd – particularly when compared with the perfection located nearby J

The most important point to make here is simply this, God did not ever make sex to be a ‘dirty’ thing.  God wants you to be completely sexually fulfilled.  This is why He outlined the perfect scenario to achieve sexual fulfillment even before evil entered our world.  The farther we stray from this original design, the more miserable the conditions we find ourselves in.  In our next post, we will discuss, another important creation of His – time off.  So stay tuned …

Incredible Sex ...

There are more than a few lessons that are of key value to us, which we can learn from the first few chapters of the first book of the Bible which explains our Genesis or our origin.  One of the most important, based now on perhaps how much it has been distorted by evil, is the topic of sex.  Are you aware that God is the author of sex.  He created it.  It is not some dirty, private, hidden sin that somehow worked its way into our world – rather, it is an intentional design created for us by God himself.  The first myth we need to debunk, in order to have incredible sex, is that somehow we must keep our sexual expressions hidden from God.  Remember, God exists beyond our understanding of space, time, and matter.  He is omnipresent – meaning He is capable of being everywhere at once, not just confined to a single physical location.  So the idea that we could ‘hide’ anything from God is tossed right out the window.

To understand sex, we need to understand intimacy.  There was a space of time, when man had been created in which he was alone.  Adam communed with God, tended his garden home, and named all the animal species he encountered.  But as Adam looked around he saw the male and female of other species and realized that he had no female counterpart.  Despite the perfection of his surroundings, and the ability he had to communicate directly with our God, Adam felt his loneliness.  He needed even more companionship than merely the comforts his perfect world surrounded him with.  And God was a witness to Adam’s need.  God Himself declared “it is not good that man should be alone”, He would make man a “help-mate”.  So God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, removed a rib from his side, and used it to form a woman.  Keep in mind, that all of these events occurred BEFORE evil entered our existence.  The woman was united with man, and the first “marriage” and family unit was established – again before the entrance of sin, before any of its effects or corrupting influences.  And Adam and Eve were one flesh.  So then the ability to have sex was created in perfection.  Sex is older than ‘sin’, so maybe we should then begin to think, perhaps it will exist AFTER evil has been extinguished.

But man and woman being united was more than simply within their physical bodies.  They were united in purpose.  They had the same goals.  They enjoyed the company of each other.  They were in fact experiencing ‘love’ for each other and this bond grew very strong.  God created this relationship for man to teach him what intimacy means.  To teach us how close He wants to be with each of us as individuals, and as part of a family unit.  God Himself was known in 3 distinct entities, the Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit as the Bible explains.  While these entities are distinct, they are united in purpose and goals – just like our first family unit was.  As the Son of God, our Creator walked in the evenings through the garden paradise with Adam and Eve and communed with them.  It is unknown how much time was spent in the garden paradise before our encounter with evil would alter us forever. 

There are many points to made here.  First, God created a woman to become one with a man, both physically, and mentally.  He did not create another man to become Adam’s special friend.  He could have, but did not.  That is not what man truly needs.  He did not create several women for Adam, for him to choose to live pluralistically with.  There is no true intimacy with more than one partner.  He did not choose to give Adam children to take care of.  The relationship between parent and children was NOT enough to meet the needs of Adam, or even Eve at that point.  Adam needed a relationship with an equal, not with a child.  He did not tell Adam to tough-it-out, be celibate, and simply take care of his needs, himself.  What God did do, is to create the perfect woman, to give to the perfect man, in order for the happiness of both.  This became the ideal example of intimacy for man to understand. 

Both Adam and Eve stood naked and unashamed in the garden.  Our first dress code was in fact – no clothes at all.  Adam and Eve walked with God naked, communed with Him this way, and were unashamed to do it.  The entrance of evil into our world, brought the requirement for clothing, but perfection did not need it.  Adam and Eve becoming one flesh did not require ‘hiding’ from God.  God is no voyeur.  He does not need to intrude on a tender moment, but the point here is that our first parents did not have to ‘feel bad’ about doing what God designed them to do.  The desire to be with each other physically was also something God had instilled within them.  The fact that sex feels good for both man and women is an indication that God is not one-sided in His dealings with us.  He wants us to be happy, both man and woman.  

While there are distinct differences between the strengths and weaknesses of men and women, the combination of the two tends to be quite complimentary.  Ever heard the expression; ‘my better half’.  This is nothing more than the simple recognition that someone else, truly completes our lives – that we are better off together than alone.  Being able to share our hopes and dreams with someone else, without fear of rejection, condemnation, and belittlement – this is what intimacy means.  To know that no matter what you wish to accomplish, there is someone special who will be by your side, helping you in whatever you attempt, supporting you when you fail, lifting you up when you need it.  This is the meaning of intimacy.

The physical expression of intimacy is sex.  It takes our poor inadequate words about how deep our love is for our soul mate, and puts it into action.  Incredible sex begins just like everything else in life, and in heaven, by giving to another.  True fulfillment is found in putting the needs of another before yourself.  The goal becomes to please, not to be pleased.  And the happiness and unspeakable joy is found in the process of giving itself.  The freedom to express this deep a love requires dedication.  It requires commitment.  How can I truly open up myself, if I am to be ridiculed, or face rejection by someone who may decide to leave me for something better?  How can I give 100% of my heart, my body, and my soul to someone who is only here ‘for a while’?  How can I split my heart between so many others?  The freedom to experience incredible sex beyond what we understand to be simply ‘good’ begins with KNOWING your partner is truly yours, not just for now, but forever.  It removes the impediments to being vulnerable, and makes real intimacy possible.  Does anyone doubt that when Adam and Eve are known in again Heaven that they will not be together as before – as husband and wife?  Does it seem reasonable that after creating the first family unit BEFORE sin, that upon re-entering perfection, God would break-up the very thing He created?  Why do Christians teach that Heaven is for non-sexuals, when God created us otherwise in the first place?  It is not logical, practical, or likely.

Incredible sex then, is something God intended for us.  He actually wants us to enjoy sex the way He intended it for us, as the ultimate expression of intimacy between 2 eternally committed people (a man and a woman).  In this construct, we are free from fear, we are able to share ourselves on the deepest of levels, and we finally begin to understand how close God wants to be with us all.  We should have no shame in this, and should not feel compelled to hide it from God, rather we should be empowered to ask His blessing over our ‘sex’ life together.  In our next post, we will explore a little about why we seem to have wandered so far from the ideal God setup for us regarding sex, and how sex supposedly became ‘dirty’.  So stay tuned …

Sabrina Weds ...

My second child, my daughter Sabrina was married this past week in Las Vegas NV.  Her new husband is someone she has known since attending college here in Florida, and the newlyweds are now living in Los Angeles working in the TV/Film business as much as they can.  I call it ‘living the dream’.  Both are creative personalities with immense talent and excellent potential.  Given their youth, the world is their oyster at this moment in time.  They are young, happy, healthy, energetic, and eager to explore their potential.

A dad could not ask for more.  But then ,,, Seems like I am always asking for something.  You see I worry a bit about my daughter and now about her new little family unit of 2 becoming one.  Not because of her circumstances, or any doubts in either of their abilities to succeed and make each other happy; no I worry because a relationship with God is a highly personal thing and not always evident to the human eye.  I think they both have one, but I do not know it for sure.  That uncertainty keeps me from consistent peace in my mind and heart.

If age has brought any wisdom at all, it is to know the extent of one’s own failures over time.  Mistakes compound into catastrophe, and intentions do not prevent pain served to others.  Human frailty being what it is, I can’t see survival past knowing our loving God.  How can one forgive and know the peace and release of forgiveness if they have not experienced it for themselves on the deepest level?  How can one know the depths of love, if they refuse to acknowledge the true source of love?  How can one know the joy of reconciliation with God, if they do not seek to be with God?  Do my children really know God, or just know “of” or “about” God?  Was my parental instruction merely factual, or did they see the need in me and adopt some of it into their own lives?  There are no verbal answers to my query only what life will bring and I will witness.

I sometimes see God in my children.  Sabrina’s inherent generosity and charitable nature are born of a giving God.  But the potential for so much good in service can also be accompanied by so much self-orientation, oblivious to the needs, feelings, and wants of others.  It is not malice, but neglect or oversight.  We are all such complex beings, capable of so much good, and so much evil at a moment’s notice.  Periodic behavior cannot be used to judge whether a person has a relationship with God or not.  Often Christians exist in the realm of performing badly, caught up in temptation they have not surrendered, or additions they do not recognize.  Their repeated failures do not indicate a lack of relationship, only the burdens they have yet to release.  So just by looking I am unable to tell.

The master of evil has a great weapon in the truth of my past and my actions.  Our great accuser need not make up stories about my shortcomings as the plain and simple truth is more than adequate to relay my failures.  If my children use me as an example of Christianity, I believe they will never understand the real meaning of the word.  Though I am forgiven for my past, and my actions; the consequences live on in the psyche of my family.  Scars from wounds inflicted even long ago are still scars when one looks in the mirror.  If I am to be used as any sort of example to my children, I hope the lesson is the infinite lengths that God will go to save his erring creations.  The boundless level of love God has for one such as me says that there is hope for Saddam, for Adolph, for GW, for you, for anyone.  I would hope they learn that lesson if they look my way at all.

The nature of relationships changes when seemingly by magic you find you went from having three “kids” to having three “adults”.  I find I value their opinions, trust their judgment, enjoy their company, and continue to wish the best for them, though now I have no direct impact on seeing they obtain it.  My counsel is available though seldom sought at this juncture in their lives.  The exuberance of youth outweighs the lessons of history.  I was no different.  I like what I see in my children.  I like what they are capable of.  But still remains the fear that perhaps contact with me has not been a spiritual benefit to them, or worse a spiritual detriment.

Servants of God sometimes forget they are servants of family first.  To whom you commit the most, you should serve as well as honor the most.  God first, family second, others third, self last.  It is a good run down, but those servants who never seem to end their first assignment, do so at the expense of the second, and third.  Serving God can be found in serving family.  Being there for your spouse or your children is service to God.  The denial of self can be found within the four walls of your home, you need no mission field to find missionary work.  Did I serve enough?  Was my presence and support felt enough in the hearts of my kids?  Or perhaps was I too preoccupied with work, or other distractions even when physically there?  I hope for a positive answer.

A wedding in Vegas is not something I would recommend having witnessed this last one in person.  It was a purely professional process from start to finish.  You could easily describe the affair with adjectives like … efficient, well choreographed, decorative, and brief.  No mistakes, no snaf-foos, no faux-paus.  But the only love in the process was brought by its constituents.  I remember my own wedding in the poorest church, in a poor border town in Texas some years ago.  It was a blending of traditions, and cultures.  The decorations were handmade.  But the feeling of love was a literal communal response.  Everyone was there in support.  Everyone offered their love and reaffirmed it in the course of the day.  It was palpable.  Not so, in the polished procession of Las Vegas.  It is a different business model there.

In retrospect I seem to have made one good decision with regards to my own wedding.  I asked my father to be my “best man”.  I had 2 other close friends in attendance at the time who could have easily filled this role for me, and my father and I did not really have the best of relationships at the time.  But at my age now, I consider this one of the best decisions I made.  To honor the man who gave you life, and spent his own worried about your well being, is worthy of the term “best man”.  I was unable to stand with my daughter, to “give her away”, or perhaps better stated in today’s vernacular to “offer her hand in marriage to her intended”.  I did not walk her down an aisle, or kneel with her at an altar.  Instead I stood off to the side and snapped pictures for the seven minute event.  It was over before I even had a seat.  There are some traditions I regret not being a part of.

But all in all I am happy to have been at this wedding.  I am happy my daughter continues to see the value of marriage and hope it brings her all the joy it is capable of.  I hope she remembers how a loving God can bring healing when the harder times come, and add to the joy in the best of times.  I hope she chooses to set aside the things of the world from time to time and from one Sabbath to another and take the time-out we all so desperately need.  I hope she discovers the joy of service and is contented all the days of her life serving with honor the one whom she has chosen.  I hope her silence on her relationship with God does not mean she lacks one, only that it is too personal for words.  I hope …

Niko Weds ...

A very good friend of mine will walk down the aisle tomorrow and marry the love of his life.  I will be there to witness this event and share the joy of the occasion.  How do I feel about it all?  Hopeful.  How should I feel?  I am supposed to be elated for him, overjoyed for him, and bathe in the glow of young love taking that next step.  But am I a bit too old for all of this, or a bit too jaded to still experience these purer emotions?  What marriage is supposed to be, has been seen all too seldom in my own life example.  And that is unfortunate.

But Niko is different.  Way different than me in many respects.  In our personal lives we could be polar opposites though very good friends; Niko is extraverted, I am naturally an introvert.  Niko will have many friends, I will have few (by choice).  Niko will be the center of attention, I will avoid the limelight and work behind the scenes to control it.  I know he is no saint, I’m not nominating him for it.  Of course I am no saint either, and I would say the tarnish on my halo is a bit thicker than his.

But Niko defies the odds.  Maybe that is what it takes to make a marriage work in this day in age – a gamble that defies the house odds.  Niko works harder than anyone I know (outside of me perhaps).  And he is absolutely faithful to his love, where my track record in this regard has been less than stellar.  I make excuses for my variance from true-north, allowing for the winds of destiny to play a role, or just rely on fate, fortune, or bravado.  Niko needs none of these things, he only requires his one-love.  This is a level of commitment in a young man I rarely have ever seen.  Most men I know of this age (myself included) were bent on conquest, not monogamy.  I look more like Bill Clinton, he looks more like Ronald Reagan in this area.

But Niko represents hope.  Not just hope that his marriage will beat the odds of a 50% failure rate, hope that couples in his generation still value the concept of marriage.  Niko seems to understand more fully than I ever did at his age the value of faith in someone else.  The joy that can be achieved from real intimacy.  The senseless end-game of conquest, that while only momentarily exciting, leaves nothing of substance in its wake.  How does he get all this and at his age?  Can’t be from my counsel, I have almost nothing to say on the topic.  Like I said, mine is NOT the example to follow.  Yet I have hope that his just might be.

But what about the conflict between Niko’s success and his personal life, will he be able to balance the two?  In my years of leadership I have come to recognize the talents and abilities in others.  I have been to the top of the mountain, more than once, and I know a thing or two about who else ‘can’ get there.  Niko is one of those folks.  He has in him, the ability to become an excellent CEO of any company in this country, including one he may begin on his own.  He has, for lack of a better term, the right stuff.  I have also been broke beyond reason, poorer than dirt, owing my next breath to the mercy of another, more than once.  Niko was an excellent friend to me in both conditions.  And I believe should life introduce to Niko the concept of extreme poverty, he has the strength within him to weather that storm as well.  He will find a way to balance his career with what is more and truly important.  He is destined to.

I don’t know his bride-to-be Devon too well.  I have met her, and she seems like a really nice person.  Given Niko’s adoration of her, I have to assume the best.  What I do know of Devon is a bit of a paradox.  She will marry tomorrow to a person who will be far different than normal chance would allow.  She is inheriting a blessing from God, but may not really understand the source of this blessing.  To be a moral person is good.  To be honest, trustworthy, dependable are all admirable traits – but very often we measure ourselves and our ‘goodness’ by the relative ‘evil’ we see in others around us.  I believe Devon is a good person.  I just hope over the course of her lifetime she begins to become acquainted with the source of all goodness, the source of all love, the source of all morality.  This would enrich her life beyond what she can even imagine at this point.

What advice do I have for the happy couple?  I think singer/songwriter Jeff Easter put it best when he commented on marriage that …”he could be right, or he could be happy.  He hasn’t been right in a long time …”  Too often we forget what is important.  People count,  Love counts.  The rest is window dressing in castles on the beach.  Everything you have in life comes and goes, but what you value is each other, and what matters is each other.  Don’t let the rest of it all, get to you.  Took me all too long to learn this lesson, and I am learning it still.

So invariably comes the question, when will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?  Hardly gotten down the aisle and already we’re looking for babies.  I have no idea what his plans are in this regard, but given my time spent with Niko, I believe the young couple will make excellent parents.  You see, I believe in the ultimate happiness of Niko and Devon, because the difference between having a life of regret and having a life of meaning is simple.  Learning to know the source of all Good. 

Niko is connected with this source.  Niko seems to know God, even though he does not go around trying to convert others, or preach his beliefs.  You don’t have to be an evangelist to be a believer.  It is OK to be quite about what you think, in fact often it is preferable.  It is OK to live your principles rather than talking about them, in fact often it is preferable.  If Niko can make room for God in his life, and hold to his connection – then nothing and no-one will deter the plans God can act out on his behalf.  Niko is a natural catalyst.  With a strong connection to his Father God, Niko’s natural disposition will be a witness for good that no-one can silence.  This is my hope for one of my few, very dear friends.

Enjoy your wedding my friend!   Enjoy the honey-moon more (p.s. you may wanna bring my gift with you).  And then sit back, and really enjoy the rest of your married life – you have no idea how good, good can be.  Best wishes always …