A dad could not ask for more. But then ,,, Seems like I am always asking
for something. You see I worry a bit
about my daughter and now about her new little family unit of 2 becoming one. Not because of her circumstances, or any
doubts in either of their abilities to succeed and make each other happy; no I
worry because a relationship with God is a highly personal thing and not always
evident to the human eye. I think they
both have one, but I do not know it for sure.
That uncertainty keeps me from consistent peace in my mind and heart.
If age has brought any wisdom at all, it is to know the
extent of one’s own failures over time.
Mistakes compound into catastrophe, and intentions do not prevent pain
served to others. Human frailty being
what it is, I can’t see survival past knowing our loving God. How can one forgive and know the peace and
release of forgiveness if they have not experienced it for themselves on the
deepest level? How can one know the
depths of love, if they refuse to acknowledge the true source of love? How can one know the joy of reconciliation
with God, if they do not seek to be with God?
Do my children really know God, or just know “of” or “about” God? Was my parental instruction merely factual,
or did they see the need in me and adopt some of it into their own lives? There are no verbal answers to my query only
what life will bring and I will witness.
I sometimes see God in my children. Sabrina’s inherent generosity and charitable
nature are born of a giving God. But the
potential for so much good in service can also be accompanied by so much
self-orientation, oblivious to the needs, feelings, and wants of others. It is not malice, but neglect or oversight. We are all such complex beings, capable of so
much good, and so much evil at a moment’s notice. Periodic behavior cannot be used to judge
whether a person has a relationship with God or not. Often Christians exist in the realm of
performing badly, caught up in temptation they have not surrendered, or
additions they do not recognize. Their
repeated failures do not indicate a lack of relationship, only the burdens they
have yet to release. So just by looking
I am unable to tell.
The master of evil has a great weapon in the truth of my
past and my actions. Our great accuser
need not make up stories about my shortcomings as the plain and simple truth is
more than adequate to relay my failures.
If my children use me as an example of Christianity, I believe they will
never understand the real meaning of the word.
Though I am forgiven for my past, and my actions; the consequences live
on in the psyche of my family. Scars from
wounds inflicted even long ago are still scars when one looks in the mirror. If I am to be used as any sort of example to
my children, I hope the lesson is the infinite lengths that God will go to save
his erring creations. The boundless
level of love God has for one such as me says that there is hope for Saddam,
for Adolph, for GW, for you, for anyone.
I would hope they learn that lesson if they look my way at all.
The nature of relationships changes when seemingly by magic
you find you went from having three “kids” to having three “adults”. I find I value their opinions, trust their
judgment, enjoy their company, and continue to wish the best for them, though
now I have no direct impact on seeing they obtain it. My counsel is available though seldom sought
at this juncture in their lives. The
exuberance of youth outweighs the lessons of history. I was no different. I like what I see in my children. I like what they are capable of. But still remains the fear that perhaps
contact with me has not been a spiritual benefit to them, or worse a spiritual
detriment.
Servants of God sometimes forget they are servants of family
first. To whom you commit the most, you
should serve as well as honor the most.
God first, family second, others third, self last. It is a good run down, but those servants who
never seem to end their first assignment, do so at the expense of the second,
and third. Serving God can be found in
serving family. Being there for your
spouse or your children is service to God.
The denial of self can be found within the four walls of your home, you
need no mission field to find missionary work.
Did I serve enough? Was my
presence and support felt enough in the hearts of my kids? Or perhaps was I too preoccupied with work,
or other distractions even when physically there? I hope for a positive answer.
A wedding in Vegas is not something I would recommend having
witnessed this last one in person. It
was a purely professional process from start to finish. You could easily describe the affair with
adjectives like … efficient, well choreographed, decorative, and brief. No mistakes, no snaf-foos, no faux-paus. But the only love in the process was brought
by its constituents. I remember my own wedding
in the poorest church, in a poor border town in Texas some years ago. It was a blending of traditions, and cultures. The decorations were handmade. But the feeling of love was a literal
communal response. Everyone was there in
support. Everyone offered their love and
reaffirmed it in the course of the day.
It was palpable. Not so, in the
polished procession of Las Vegas. It is
a different business model there.
In retrospect I seem to have made one good decision with
regards to my own wedding. I asked my
father to be my “best man”. I had 2
other close friends in attendance at the time who could have easily filled this
role for me, and my father and I did not really have the best of relationships
at the time. But at my age now, I
consider this one of the best decisions I made.
To honor the man who gave you life, and spent his own worried about your
well being, is worthy of the term “best man”.
I was unable to stand with my daughter, to “give her away”, or perhaps
better stated in today’s vernacular to “offer her hand in marriage to her
intended”. I did not walk her down an
aisle, or kneel with her at an altar.
Instead I stood off to the side and snapped pictures for the seven
minute event. It was over before I even
had a seat. There are some traditions I
regret not being a part of.
But all in all I am happy to have been at this wedding. I am happy my daughter continues to see the
value of marriage and hope it brings her all the joy it is capable of. I hope she remembers how a loving God can
bring healing when the harder times come, and add to the joy in the best of
times. I hope she chooses to set aside
the things of the world from time to time and from one Sabbath to another and
take the time-out we all so desperately need.
I hope she discovers the joy of service and is contented all the days of
her life serving with honor the one whom she has chosen. I hope her silence on her relationship with
God does not mean she lacks one, only that it is too personal for words. I hope …
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