Divorce: (and other Broken Vows) ...

It used to be considered a ‘bad’ word, something not spoken of in polite company.  Then it became a banner of freedom and liberation from the tyranny of unhappy homes.  Now it is as common as the catching a cold.  Christians are not immune; they divorce as much or more than does the non-believer.  So why is this condition becoming so pervasive in our lives, and more importantly if it happens to us, then what?

The Bible tells a story about ‘vows’ that is none-too-pleasant.  You see a father is away from home, and is upset by some bad news.  In his haste, and arrogance, he ‘vows’ to kill the first person coming through his gate on his return home.  Of course the first person meeting this criterion winds up being his much loved daughter.  He informs his daughter of his vow, she asks for a little time to prepare, then he carries it out – killing his much loved offspring.  Why on earth tell this horrid story?  For only one key reason, to teach us humility – we are not supposed to be making vows at all.  God never approves of this incident from beginning to end.  It was stupid.  It was the arrogance of man making stupid commitments based on a warped sense of honor that winds up costing us the very thing we value most in this world.  Humans and vows don’t mix well.

Think about your walk with God for a minute.  Ever made a promise or a vow to God, that you were actually able to keep, without ever slipping, or needing forgiveness for going back on your word?  Even our promises of the best intent wind up short.  The reason is we completely lack the control to fulfill our commitments.  We cannot keep ourselves from danger, we cannot overrule the laws of physics, we are subject to the decisions and whims of others, and thus we tend to be blown around by fate more than we would like.  Admitting this shortfall is almost unheard of in this country, but it remains true.  Our ability to control is an illusion, therefore our follow-through on a vow is tepid at best.  It is not just bad vows we should avoid, it is any vow based on human strength.

So am I saying not to make vows at a wedding?  Sort of.  I am saying that declaring before the world what ‘we’ are vowing is a fairly worthless exercise.  We could however alter our language just a bit, and couch our words in the bosom of the Lord and be a bit safer about it.  We would be better stating, “as I renew my commitment today to our Lord, and in the strength of our God, so I ask Him to make me faithful to you.  To treat you as God has treated me.  To love you as God has loved me.  To forgive you and accept you in all things, as I have been forgiven and accepted by God.”  These are vows you have a shot at keeping.  The traditional ones just don’t seem to cut it, as statistics bear out.  You see were we to understand the nature of marriage better, we would be less likely to experience divorce. 

Think about how preposterous monogamy is based on the human will alone.  The male instinct is to hunt, not to stick around afterwards.  There are very few examples of mating for life in the world of nature – this is also true when looking at humanity.  So with evil bent on destroying a healthy image of sexual expression, combined with our natural inclination to blow our commitments, is it any wonder that vows made outside of God don’t last?  Even the ones before witnesses and with words like “let no man put asunder”; or “for better or for worse”.  Our problem, even during a wedding, is that our vows do not reflect our dependence on God.  What’s more, neither does how we think about relationships in general.

We need to understand that the differences between any two people on planet earth are enough to warrant separation.  Stay with someone long enough and they will “drive you crazy”.  It does not have to be a spouse; parents, even kids, can accomplish this feat.  Our differences would naturally drive us apart over time.  To overcome this dilemma we need to remember the God is the cornerstone of the relationships we are trying to build.  When we reach that point of sheer frustration, it is time to sit back, and pray about it.  Oh I know, you will be praying the other stupid person in this situation gets the ‘wisdom’ they need to see your point of view.  But as fate or God may have it, you might the one who experiences the change of heart.  Basing the success of a relationship on the interaction of God is both a recognition of our need, and a strategy that has a shot at success.  Notice it is STILL not a guarantee of success because so often the stupid person we are so eager to change turns out to be us.  And we have such a tendency to block God’s efforts to help US see the error in our ways.  We want God to change them not us.

So then is divorce a kind of screw-you (pardon the pun) for making promises you couldn’t keep?  Doesn’t Christ say that the only reason acceptable for divorce is adultery?  No actually.  When you start by basing relationships, even marriage on God, you begin to see the strength of a person’s relationship with God is a fairly good predictor of the strength of a relationship with you.  If you know a Christian, who has experienced forgiveness, is looking to escape the pain of evil, and tries hard to follow and make good choices – you have a working candidate for success.  When you know someone who could care less about God, exhibits destructive behavior, and seems more interested in pleasing themselves than others (even if they carry the name Christian), you have a candidate for relationship woe.  The latter person will be far harder to maintain a relationship with, than the former.  Other religions carry a common thread of working your own way to heaven or nirvana – these philosophies are bound to come up short in the real world, as we all know the extent of our own evil tendencies if left to our own devices.  This is why non-Christians do not make it easy to maintain a relationship.  Those that tout being moral as enough, or being good as enough, fail to use the proper standard to measure their goodness against, and are generally completely blind the nature of their own selfishness.

When a partner has no relationship with God, or breaks their relationship in a repeatedly destructive way, the ability to enter divorce becomes real for us.  It is not for any to judge the choices of another in this matter.  If a person chooses to ‘love it out’ with a prickly person, it is up to them.  But when they choose to leave, it is also up to them.  There should be no condemnation of others for how they react to evil that is forced upon them by someone else.  If adultery were the only ‘sin’ that ‘justifies’ divorce does it include lust?  Christ said if you lust, you have ALREADY committed adultery in your mind and are therefore guilty of breaking the law.  And since when does you sinning first, make it OK for me to sin later? (i.e. the first person commits the adultery and the second person is then free to remarry without guilt).  Moo-moo Ca-ca.  The order in which a person sins does not justify the act, ever.  If it is wrong for the first person, it is wrong for everyone, period.  This traditional view is nutty, and fails to address the real issue of a broken relationship with God that occurs before the human one is even visible.  It is here where we should spend our efforts for repair and healing.  Focus not on fixing the human one first, focus on fixing the one with our Lord first – then fix the human one.  After all, what is generally required to repair a relationship is a change in behavior, and who can accomplish that outside of God.

So what happens if we find ourselves divorced already for the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 10^th time?  Is there ever any forgiveness?  Like any other ‘vow’ we find ourselves breaking, there is always forgiveness.  But to change the outcome and avoid the next divorce you need to rethink the process now.  Base what you have to offer a potential or current partner from the viewpoint of your own relationship with God.  Be honest with yourself and your partner.  Tell them what you struggle with.  Don’t hide your weaknesses in the darkness and embarrassment of your guilt, shed a little light on them with the person who you will be the MOST vulnerable with.  If they are going to commit to you for life, don’t they need to know what evil tendencies they are up against?  The confession is not meant to serve as condemnation, but as a request for help.  For example, if I have a struggle with alcoholism, but you are able to drink in moderation with no second thought – you might be more aware of your behavior around me, and maybe even forego drinking altogether to help me out.  This is not your weakness it is mine.  But living with a junkie means taking a few more precautions, or risking the doom of my own predispositions. 

When looking for a mate, or talking to a current one, let them know how strongly you feel about a personal relationship with God and how and why it is so important to you – that they have one.  Remember you are not the evaluator of another’s relationship.  But you are the recipient of behavior strongly influenced by God or by the lack of Him, through another.  If we truly intend to beat divorce and not repeat divorce, we need to stop looking at ourselves and our vows as the strength we need to last.  We need to start looking at an eternal God, and seeing our strengths and weaknesses through His eyes.  We have much to offer another through our connection with God.  We have nothing to offer another without Him.  All our goodness stems from God, not naturally from within us.  We are a channel, not the fountain.  And so we must begin to see marriage differently.  We must replace our vow of words, with our active prayers, and perhaps only then will we escape a fate of self-inflicted loneliness.