Physical Expression ...

While procreation is the natural result of physical intimacy between married couples, this was not the sole purpose for the creation of this function. The ability to bring each other joy in a way that fosters deep levels of intimacy and vulnerability and reminds us of the union which our Lord wishes to become one with us, is the primary intent of sexual expression. We were not created in order that we have sex. Rather, sex was created to make our existence and our ability to serve another in a special tri-union with God unique and special. Physical expression was designed to take us beyond the normal boundaries of unity and literally illustrate two bodies becoming one; thus the text referring to … “two becoming one flesh”.

Timing and location of our physical intimacy are two key factors in keeping romance alive and well. When the will is submitted to Christ love grows over time, satisfaction grows over time, things do not become dull, but they become invigorated. Before children become part of the equation, there is much more time available for a couple’s intimacy than afterwards. This opportunity should not be lost on things of a far lesser concern like the logistical concerns of maintaining a house, work that could be postponed, or entertainment that can be delayed. Placing proper priority on each other first, and insuring all needs are met within the relationship is important. Physical sexual expression need not always be intercourse to be rewarding, but should not be ignored in favor of lesser things either. The most important factor is to keep the goal of finding pleasure in pleasing your mate. Try not to be distracted by less important things that would subvert your goal and weaken your relationship.

After children enter a family the time available for two to become one is substantially reduced from pure logistics. Often tired parents worn out from a long day at work, and then further exhausted from efforts at home, leave both craving sleep more than contact. To avoid falling into a routine of this nature that never seems to change, it is good to take effort to schedule a break. Get a sitter, a mother-in-law, or whoever you need to and schedule a weekly date-night for your spouse. Take active steps to schedule a break in the routine. Do not let the normal demands of children, home, and work overcome a key need in the marital relationship. This takes effort and prioritization to accomplish, it will almost never “just happen”. But it is worth the effort you put forth, and it will again demonstrate to your partner that you care about their emotional needs as much as the physical and spiritual.

Sabbath becomes a most important factor in maintaining a growing marriage. It is the one day when the third part of our union is physically remembered, honored, and included in our activities. Physical intimacy is far more likely on Sabbath as time is in far more supply. Ignoring the normal demands of maintaining the home, or working, or commercial concerns frees one up to pursue what has real meaning in our lives. Physical intimacy is NOT about having one’s own pleasure, it is about creating pleasure for our mate. It is about service, not self-gratification, and as such is a wonderful way to spend Sabbath hours. On Sabbath in particular God can be brought into the mind and conversations. Talking about the source of all love tends to lead to demonstrations of love between two people. This can extend to all members of the family, but it is important to insure mom-and-dad take private time away to nurture the tri-union properly.

Satan uses every tool at his disposal to keep us focused on the wrong things, and our priorities out of whack with what would benefit us. It is easy for a parent to adopt a priority of children first, spouse second, others last. This sounds reasonable, especially as the children are younger. But in truth, the family is weakened by this kind of prioritization. A loving parent will always tend to defer priority to the needs of the children first, but that does not negate the needs of their partner. It is important not to lose focus on insuring a partner’s needs are met even though the demands of dependent children can seem overwhelming. It does not take much time to offer a caring word, alleviate a mundane task by doing it yourself, or perhaps just a quick and simple gesture of affection. When your partner knows they have not been abandoned even for those you share a common blood bond with, it makes the strength of the unions stronger, and enables both to help the children even more than originally thought.

What the mind focuses on during physical expression is important as well. Couples who have been married for a while often resort to fantasy role playing, or mental fantasizing to “keep things new”. But focusing the mind outside of your partner during physical expression is tantamount to adultery and betrayal. It does not ennoble the mind, or help you love your partner more. It has the opposite effect. It is easy for the mind to become dependent on these kinds of mental distractions in order to maintain arousal. The reason for this is that self once again becomes the centerpiece of sexual experience, rather than service. If you suffer from a history of this kind of thinking, transition from focusing on other people, to focusing on other locations. Picture your spouse in exotic locales or faraway places, keeping the mental distraction focused on your partner while creating fantasy only in the circumstances.

This is where location is also important in physical expression. Finding inventive places for physical expression can help you create memories that occupy the mind well into your future. The younger you are, the more adventurous you will tend to be in picking locations and perhaps risking exposure over privacy. But finding each other in nature can be very compelling if you can find a secluded enough location. Different cities, different geographies, even friend’s homes can provide memories to last for a lifetime. Special clothing can enhance the experience, a favorite night gown, or under clothing, can often create memories as well. Being creative can occur through a number of ways. Appreciating youth while you have it makes sense, developing creativity can and should occur at every age.

Intimacy does require a degree of privacy. Unneeded risks should be avoided. It is incredibly unwise to risk children who are nowhere near ready to encounter physical intimacy to accidently stumble across it. It is also illegal to conduct sexual activity in public places, even in your own car (unless it is parked in your closed garage at the time). Location matters, but should not precede common sense.

The biggest difficulty couples face today is the history of lies we have been fed to believe. Romance, physical interest, and stimulation need not decline over time with same partner. This happens when both parties drift away from the source of all love. The reason we need Christ in our marriages is to keep us renewed, refreshed and resilient to face what life brings us. We find peace in the togetherness. We find comfort in spite of adversity, because there is love that lives between us. The strength of our union’s from the Garden of Eden until today has not diminished. It is more than our bodies that meld together over time. Our desires begin to merge, our hobbies, interests, and entertainment choices begin to align over time. Even the most opposite individuals who have entered a marriage can find common ground that grows over time when Christ remains at their center. We must unlearn what we have learned [G. Lucas]. It is time to be led again. It is time to be recreated again. It is time we took the focus off of self in our marriages and placed it back on the Author of love. It is time we looked first to Christ and submitted our wills to Him to discover an entirely new world of possibilities in our marriages, as it should have been all along.