And I could use your prayers. It is kind of nerve racking to think there is something defective in your head, a kind of time-bomb that if it goes off, so do you. I discovered this problem while in the shower about 2 months ago washing my face. All of the sudden it felt like some monster had dug their claws into the right side of my face and was tearing it off of my skull. The pain was extreme, so bad I thought I was going to pass out. It seemed to center around my eye so I first went to the Ophthalmologist to seek treatment. The Ophthalmologist did find a viral infection (non-contagious) in my eye and prescribed drops to treat it. But every week I kept returning to the eye doctor because the pain was increasing in frequency, and intensity. The least little thing would trigger it. If I touched anything on the right side of my face in a downwards direction, the pain would start up. I could push my face upwards to try to relieve the pain, but down is a no-go. If I blow my nose, or even touch the right side of my nose, the pain monster returns.
Eventually the eye doctor realized my pain was not from the infection, and thought I might have “tic deleraux” [sp], a rare nerve condition that exhibits symptoms like I describe. He sent me to a Neurologist for further treatment. After an MRI, MRA, MRV, and CT Scan to confirm, it appears as though I have a 3.2mm aneurism along the carotid artery in my brain. I have been given medicine to try to reduce pain incidents and it has worked sometimes very well, sometimes not so much. The next step is to see the Neuro Surgeon to find out what is the plan will be. I imagine treatment will be meds to try to reduce it, or surgery to try to fix it. Either way, the risk remains in my head. That risk could be fatal in an instant, or it could sit there for a while and do nothing. Since the pain monster keeps attacking, I have to assume the risk is not a very good one.
So what do you do? There is not much the patient can do. I chase doctors to call me back, and testers to schedule me sooner, and produce results faster. These are things I can do, ironic that I need to do them, considering healing me is supposed to be a top priority for these folks. But then, I am only one patient in a storm of patients who all have similar needs, some with higher priorities, so really, who am I. Ultimately you wait. You wait to hear what is next. You wait for people to call you back, who promise they will, but somehow never seem to. You wait with a personal urgency and impatience that health care providers seem not to share. Thus far, I cannot be too disappointed with my wife’s insurance carrier at Florida Hospital. They have approved my tests, and doctor’s visits consistently. The medical staff has all been very courteous, and pleasant. But when the time-bomb sits in your head, and when periodic pain reminds you it is there. Waiting is tough.
What do you want? Seems like an obvious answer, you want to live, much longer, and without pain. But even as I write this, that outcome could be sadly different. If for some reason, what I want, is not going to be something I get. It forces me to ask, what else do I want? The first thing that comes to my mind, is that I want my wife Laura, to continue her journey of spiritual submission to Jesus Christ, and I want to meet her in that Kingdom that is just beyond our sight. But this is a bit presumptuous really. It assumes I will be there, and to date there is no evidence I have earned that fate. It also wants to avoid the idea that once I am gone, human nature and the need for companionship will kick in, and my wife will find a happiness with another man who may also make it to the heaven we all seek. What then? My bomb goes off now and I sleep not having a concept of time. For me it is one second writing, the next second being escorted to heaven (because I trust Jesus’ ability to fix me spiritually even though I cannot). I will still love my wife like I did a second ago. I will be looking for her to resume a life in eternity with her. But I may find her with someone else, and happy in that situation. It will take God to fix my heart if that occurs, but I trust Him that much. Only God can change a heart.
So if eternal intimacy is another outcome that may not go my way, what else can I want? My next biggest desire is to see my son Alex, find (or perhaps re-connect with) Jesus, and remain with Him until He comes. My daughter Sabrina find Jesus, and stick with Him. And my daughter Jennifer remain in the path she already walks. Again a presumptuous desire on my part. My parenting skills, and human failures, have left deep scars in the children I lift up to God. My mistakes have twisted the beauty of having children into something all of my children avoid and do not see a value in. The grandchildren I would have expected from a marriage I now prize above all else, are absent. The environment I was a part of in their upbringing seems to have taught them only the lesson of keeping self-sufficient, not to take the risk of loving a little one, who knows only you. There is no way to avoid responsibility when all of your children share that philosophy. It has to be my fault in some way or another. For 2 of 3 of my children to appear to value Jesus much less than I would prefer, or perhaps can see, must also be my fault in some way or another. My failures must remain keen in their minds and hearts, and His mercy must yet be elusive in their eyes. How do I plead for the salvation of the children that I damaged (without His forgiveness to even ask anyway)?
I think my parents know I love them. I think my family does too. My friends, whether the ones I am connected to on Facebook who I went to elementary school, or high school, or college, or work associates, or just those who accepted a friend request, or sent one themselves … all of you may not know I really feel about you. It would be easy for me to say I love each of you, particularly in the medical condition I find myself in. But that might be pushing it a little. How do you really define love, if you are going to make that statement? Is love a periodic message to those you knew forever ago? Is love, reading the posts and status changes of those you want to stay in contact with? Or does love require something more, something more personal, something more kinetic? What I can say with certainty, is that I cannot remember a single negative incident or feeling with anyone in my life up till now. If I ever wronged you, I hope you can forgive me. If anyone has wronged me, they were forgiven so long ago, I cannot remember the wrong. I do not feel anything bad towards anyone here. In fact, I have a great fondness and affection, for so many who peruse Facebook to stay in touch. I actually like seeing your pics, and watching the your grow, and families spend time together. My love it appears is lazy. But today more poignant than days when pain and risk were not so prevalent.
If this experience is teaching me anything, it is teaching me something I already knew, just not something I did enough of. It teaches me to love others in a more tangible way, every chance you get. It teaches me to be a little more inconvenienced in order to meet a need and share a love a little more often. It should not take a life-threatening issue in your life, to give you the clarity to dispel all the negative thoughts and feelings you hold on to. It should not take a real risk that any second you could be sleeping in Jesus, for you to find the freedom forgiveness offers. Spending your time worried about politics, or power, about prominence or wealth, is spending your time on trivia. None of that matters in the end. God forbid something like this ever happens to you, but if it does, trust me, what you want, what you really want, will not be to know who wins the election. It will not be the myriad of things you focus on now. It will be more personal, much more personal. When you cannot mandate your own fate, when the illusion of control is finally busted in your own life and mind, what you want is much more about who you love, and how you love them.
Perhaps our mortality has always been that nagging reminder to prioritize our lives better. Perhaps we were always supposed to love deeper, and find peace in the loving. If you are reading this, you cannot legitimately say that no-one cares about you, because I actually do. I hope to see you again, ideally in this world, but if not, then in the next one. But I continue to believe in the power of prayer. I would ask that you pray for me, but not just me. I would ask that you pray for the salvation of my family, and your own. I would ask that you pray for the salvation of those you are connected here on Facebook with as well. I would ask that we create a prayer circle like never before. For there is power in prayer, and I would not wish to be well, and be unsaved. Nor would anyone I think. It is us reaching out to each other in love, that is the mission and reflection of our God. It is that kind of love that melts hearts, changes lives, and makes the world a better place. Be a part of it, help me be a part of it, help those you love be a part of it. If there is any further clarity that comes from an experience like the one I am having it is the same old tired mantra that loving others is all that matters. While that is nothing new, or unique, or profound wisdom from me … it is still the only thing that really matters. I ask, what do you want?
Your friend in any world,
Kristian
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